Intimacy and Anger

Across the years that I have been writing this column, I have written several times about anger and its often destructive effect in family life. One conclusion that might have been drawn is that I think anger is bad. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, anger is a God-given emotion. It is neither good nor bad. It simply is. How we use it; how we express it can be either helpful or harmful.

Anger is the appropriate emotion when our well being is threatened. When we sense we are in danger, a God-provided change automatically comes over us. Adrenalin begins to flow and we have extra strength for "flight or fight." Without anger, the human specie could not have survived. It is an emotion that is appropriate for our enemies. It is, however, inappropriate for our lovers---those with whom we want to be intimate. It blocks us in our goal of knowing and being known.

Families are amazing relational/social institutions. They are able to endure huge amounts of anger and remain intact. People will not continue in other social situations - friendships, partnerships, clubs, etc. - when they generate even a fraction of the anger endured in their marriage or their family.

That area where anger has its most destructive effect is the area of intimacy. Psychologist and marriage therapist, David Mace was bold when he said: "Marriages fail because they fail to achieve intimacy. They fail to achieve intimacy because of the inability of persons to deal creatively with their anger." (Love and Anger in Marriage, Zondervan, l982).

All of us need intimacy. We need closeness with another person. In fact, we are driven to it. The Biblical revelation speaks to the importance of intimacy when it says: "God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18, RSV).

Intimacy is always paid for with the coinage of vulnerability. To be fully known and deeply loved by another is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in his/her presence. Defenses must be removed. We must allow ourselves to be known. We are not likely to drop our defenses in a war zone and that is why anger is so destructive to intimacy.

No married couple knows what God intended marriage to be until they have made themselves vulnerable to each other. Many marriages go the distance---50 years, or more, without experiencing much intimacy because they are unable---because they are unwilling to be vulnerable. Unresolved anger is often the culprit. Few of us are brave enough to come out of our bunkers unprotected when we are fighting.

It is only when anger's power to damage and destroy is broken that two people can return to vulnerability and intimacy. You may hear a couple say: "We like to fight because it is so much fun making up." Here is a couple that has learned how to get behind the emotion of anger, break its destructive power, and move into a new world of closeness, warmth, and tenderness.

Next week we will think together about breaking anger’s destructive cycle of fighting and stopping only to take up the fight again, often about the same issue. Managing anger is a learned skill in successful family living.