The way I find most people trying to manage their anger is by SUPPRESSING IT. You suppress your anger when you push it beneath the surface and go on with your affairs as if the anger never happened. While this method of managing anger is helpful in some social situations, it serves poorly as a mode of operation. There are times and situations in which safety or social acceptability will dictate that we "stuff our anger." One rarely wins in expressing anger freely with a supervisor. The problem with suppressing is that anger will not "stay stuffed." It will find expression. Often times a child gets a spanking that really belongs to an employer, valued friend, or authority figure in our society. When we make a habit of suppressing our anger we are likely to deliver a lot of emotional mail to someone other than the addressee. If you use this management technique, use it sparingly.

VENTING ANGER was a popular way of dealing with anger in the l960's. With the Vietnam War as a background, young adults experienced a lot of anger over being forced to participate in a war with which they were not in agreement. Coming out of that era were interpersonal relationship groups where folk were encouraged to sit and vent their anger. Where this management technique may be helpful in a therapy setting, it is less desirable in the everyday workings of a family. I call this technique "emotional vomiting." While it is beneficial to flush out ones anger, those who are the recipients of the dumping, tire rather quickly. In a family setting, the constant use of venting becomes harmful to the establishing of intimate, warm, relationships.

There is another way to manage anger - DISSOLVING the anger, or "turning off the switch", is different than suppressing. You can "turn off the switch" if you can see that there is no cause or need for your anger. Here is an example: You are frightened by a bear. Your adrenalin begins to flow. You are prepared for the fight of your life. Now you discover the shadow following you is not a bear, but a brown paper bag carried along by the wind. Your body gets an immediate signal, "no need for anger," it then calms down in relief, and returns to normal when it discovers that its anger is inappropriate. The imagined need for anger is just that---imagined. Inappropriate anger can be cleared up by simply "turning off the switch".

While it is appropriate to be angry with that which threatens to destroy me i.e. my enemies, my spouse is not my enemy. He/she is my lover. Here are the steps my wife and I teach for dissolving anger in a marriage.

STEP 1: Each spouse gives the other permission to be angry with him/her. It is OK to be angry so long as the angry person makes it known as soon as he/she is aware of it. As soon as the person is aware of anger, something like this is said: "Look, I am getting very angry!" You can learn to do this as easily as you say: "I'm getting tired," or "I'm hungry." When my spouse is hungry I want to get her something to eat. When she is tired, I want to create a quiet atmosphere where she can rest. When she is angry I want to help her deal with it.

STEP 2: Each spouse pledges to the other that under no circumstance will he/she attack the other. Attacking and counter-attacking is unprofitable in a love relationship that has intimacy as a goal. When I know that I am not going to be attacked, I can put down my defenses and come out of my bunker---an act necessary if anger is to be dissolved.

STEP 3: Step three is a request for help. The angry person asks for help in dealing with his/her anger. The non-angry spouse knows that he/she will not be attacked, knows that he/she needs no defense, therefore he/she can become an active listener helping the angry spouse get behind the anger.

When we get behind our anger we usually find one of two situations. FIRST, we became angry with our mate because we misinterpreted what he/she was doing or saying. First of all, I owe my spouse an apology for misunderstanding him/her. Then I need to work harder at learning to interpret his/her messages. SECOND, we became angry at our mate because we were pushed beyond our tolerance limit. All of us have limits to what we are able to tolerate. It might be worthy for all of us to seek to expand our toleration limits, but when we push a mate beyond his/her limit, we need to apologize and attempt not to cross that limit again.

Try steps 1-3...try them again. Keep trying them until they become natural. You have spent years cutting the ruts you are presently in. Do not think you will be successful in climbing out and staying out without a lot of effort. KEEP WORKING AT IT! The reward for creatively dealing with your anger---INTIMACY---is surely worth the effort.