Relational Disorder . . . RD

In the newspaper I discovered that some of the nation’s top psychiatrists were advocating the creation of a new category of mental illness - "Relational Disorder" or RD. The disorder would apply to all who were having difficulty in relating to another person - work associates, neighbors, and of course marriage partners.

If this new mental illness category carries the day, then all of us who find it hard to get along with someone - a spouse, someone who lives next door, etc., can say, "I cannot help it; I am mentally ill; I need therapy and perhaps some kind of anti-fuss medication"

The economic implications to this proposal are staggering. Mental health providers could never get away with billing medical insurance companies for a patient’s being "cantankerous," but having RD, well that is another thing. And, pharmaceutical firms could market some drug like marijuana for the illness. People who are mellowed out get along with almost everyone.

When carried to its logical conclusion, RD would mean that all who are involved in conflict with another person can escape personal responsibility - "I’m OK; You’re OK, but together we are mentally ill. Neither of us is at fault; it’s our relationship that is crazy!"

While refusing to accept responsibility for our problems may reduce the heat for us, it is deadly. If I am a victim . . . If I share no culpability for my condition, then I am doomed. There is nothing I can do to improve my lot. But if I am at least partly to blame; if I am where I am because of decisions I have made, then I can make changes and improve the outlook for my future.

Thirty years ago, when I was taking some counseling training, a woman came to me asking for help with a marital problem. When I ask if her husband would be willing to come to counseling with her, she said, "Sure, but he is not the problem. I’m the problem. I am treating my husband like my mother treated my father, and that is something I swore that I would never do." I think you would believe that this lady received some help from counseling.

If you are having problems in a relationship, forget about medication for mental illness. Assess your responsibility. Determine to work on being an easier person to whom others relate. Next week I am going to post a column, "Fun To Live With?" There may be some help for you in this column if you are interested in improving your relationship with someone.

If you work on becoming a better you, it will amaze you at how more accommodating others become.