Middle age is the time of the changing of the guard ... the time when the child is called upon to make decisions about the welfare of the one(s) who earlier decided about his/her well-being. This is one of life's difficult passages - both for the older parent as well as the adult child.

There is a beautiful vignette about parenting one's parent in Erma Bombeck's book, If Life's a Bowl of Cherries, Why am I in the Pits?. Over in the back of the book, read the section entitled: "When Did I Become the Mother and the Mother Become the Child?" The Marshall Public Library has a copy of this delightful book - or better yet, buy a copy. You will love the entire book.

The changing of the guard was easy for my Dad and me. My father was in many ways a dependent personality. When Mom died it was natural for Dad to begin to depend upon his older child to pay the bills from his resources and counsel him in the making of major life decisions. This was a task performed by my mother all of their life together.

When the time came to place Dad in a nursing home, he went there happily, determined to make the best of his "new home." Fortunately, in Marshall, we have nursing homes where the personnel love their residents. It was so with my Dad. I will always be grateful to those who physically cared for my Dad and in addition managed to meet some of his needs for being loved.

Unfortunately, having a parent who goes to a nursing home willingly is often the exception rather than the rule. When you are faced with placing a parent in a nursing home against their will, it will help to remember "love means doing what a parent needs, not necessarily what they want." Providing what is "needed" often has to be balanced against available economic resources. It is at this point that a lot of guilt can be assumed by the "parenting child."

Parents, suffering from varying degrees of mental dementia can and often do say things that cut deeply and make it difficult to continue to provide needed care. Relatives and acquaintances can also make moral judgements that do not help. Often these judgements come from ignorance.

If you are faced with the task of being parent to a parent, consider forming a support group composed of folk who are going through the same things. The group should be no smaller than six and no larger than twelve. Meet once a month for "checking in." Begin the meeting with sharing honest feelings of being a caretaker. Talk about whatever resentments you have: Other siblings not carrying their load, a parent you could never "count on" now "counting on" you, etc. Share strategies of caring whether or not you are supported by "feeling like it."

If you would like to be a part of a "Parents to Parents" support group and do not know how to get started, give me a call and I will see if I can get you started.