Talking with children about the death of someone they loved is one of the most difficult things teachers, older family members, and pastors are called upon to do. It is also one of our most important responsibilities. It is difficult for us adults because we are not all that comfortable with the subject of death ourselves.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transitions says: "If a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve." At the time of the loss of a loved one, parents, teachers, and clergy have the opportunity not only to help the child learn about death, dying, and grief, but also about life, living, and loving.
Grieving is not an event, it is a process. The loss of someone you love is not something you "get over," it is something you learn to live with. I am often asked, "How long does grieving take?" My stock answer is, "It takes as long as it takes." And most of the time it takes a long time to learn to live with the loss.
It would be a mistake to assume that death means the same thing to all children in a particular age group. The following is an attempt to help our understanding in a general way. PRESCHOOLERS usually think of death as reversible. They have not yet learned to think abstractly. They see cartoon characters get "flattened" and magically rise up whole again.
SCHOOL AGE (kindergarten through fourth grade) have begun to realize that death is final. Death, however, is something that happens to others. It is not conceived as happening to them or to those closest to them.
MERGING ADOLESCENTS AND ADOLESCENTS are aware of the irreversibility of death and that all living things die. By this time they have usually lost friends and family in death.
Allow children to participate with the family in the time of death. Don't be concerned if children choose to go out and play after hearing of death. Sometimes, like adults, they are trying not to "feel." Play can be a temporary denial to keep from being overwhelmed by a pain they cannot absorb all at one time.
I am often asked: "At what age should a child attend a funeral?" I think if a child is old enough to attend a worship service with their parents, they are old enough to attend a funeral service and should. Help them before time by telling them what they will see. Describe the room. Tell them what will be done and how long it will last. Tell them why we have funerals - to honor and remember the person who has died.
Do not worry if you do not have an answer for every question a child has. It is more important to treat the question with the respect of listening than it is to have an answer. Children will understand if adults around them do not "have all of the answers." Do not tell them lies or half truths. These will not be helpful in the long run.
Do not try to choke off children's grief and pain. Allow them to express their suffering. Hold them and let them cry. The main thing is to let children know you care.
Try to find ways to encourage the child to tell you how they field. Questions like, "What do you think?" Are often better than a ready answer.
Children are often the forgotten mourners. It is important to remember that they too have deep feelings and would appreciate having someone with whom they can share.
