BIRTH ORDER

Birth order is important in shaping whom we become in our adult life. Early on we were aware that middle children often had difficulty in negotiating their place in the family. They had to compete with an older sibling who always did things first and a younger sibling who was cute and usually got his/her way.

Many other factors influence and shape the adult the child becomes: The age of the parents, physical/mental handicaps, time spent with non sibling groups (as in daycare programs), and remarriage with blended siblings (an older child can move to a middle position). The fact remains, for most of us, sibling relationships are the longest relationships of our lives, and therefore among our most powerful influences.

It is the message a family gives to a birth order position that becomes the powerful directive. I was the older son and the only Atkinson male child to carry the name of four past generations. I don't exactly know how the family communicated their expectations of me but I'm sure that some of the messages have been passed on to my sons. My older son presented the family with two lovely daughters, but he and my daughter-in-law were driven to try to produce a son. The result was another lovely granddaughter. Family expectations are often given subliminally. There are exceptions, but the following messages given to various birth positions are often on target:

OLDEST CHILDREN will probably feel they are very special. They will carry the load of continuing the family tradition. Look to these folk to be very responsible. They may feel that they have a mission in life with regard to the family. These folk love responsibility and seek it. Some of the characteristics of the "firstborn" are: goal setters, high-achievers, perfectionists, responsible, organized, rule keepers, and determined.

Families expect great things of their "firstborn." Over-achievers are often older siblings. These are your type A personalities. They can be very tough competitors. John Adams, the second President of the United States, was an oldest. We don't know what the expectations of his family were, or how they communicated these expectations to their oldest son, but we do know that he was very straight forward in his communication to his oldest son, John Quincy Adams, the sixth President of the United States: "You came into life with advantages which will disgrace you if your success is mediocre. And if you do not rise to the head not only of your profession, but of your country, it will be your own laziness, slovenliness, and obstinacy." (Nagel, Descent from Glory: Four Generations of the John Adams Family, 1983, p.53)

The YOUNGEST CHILD, on the other hand is often treated like the "baby" of the family. Little is expected of him/her. These folk are used to being cared for and given their way. The youngest may be more carefree and less burdened by family responsibility. Often they have less respect for authority and convention. Some of their characteristics include: risk takers, outgoing, idea people, creative, and questioners of authority.

MIDDLE CHILDREN go one of two ways: They can become rebellious and have a difficult time of defining their place in life. Or they can become the tension reliever for the family. Look for these to be the family clowns. Their characteristics are: flexible, diplomatic, peacemaker, generous, social, competitive.

ONLY CHILDREN will sometimes take on some of the characteristics of the older and younger siblings. They are usually responsible and they are accustomed to getting their way.

Just as it is impossible to put your foot in the same river twice, no two children grow up in the same family. Other variables that can affect the adults whom a child becomes are spacing (the number of years between children), the gender of the child, physical differences, and disabilities.

I am pressing for the extension of grace to that brother or sister who is having a tough time figuring out how to do life. Give them a break, they did not grow up in the same family as you did. And even though you are biological brothers/sisters, you did not have parents who reacted to you in the same way.

With a little thought you can see how these characteristics play a part in marriage harmony or conflict. When two "oldest" marry, a lot of time is going to be spent trying to decide who is in charge. When two "youngest" marry, look for the charge cards to stay loaded to the limit. Theoretically, the best coupling is between an "oldest" and a "youngest." The "oldest" will have no rivals for being in charge, and they are use to giving in. The "youngest" can always have their way. Think about your struggles with your spouse. Do any of struggles relate to your birth orders?