SELF-ESTEEM

PART I

Something I saw on one of the morning news shows alarmed me and saddened me at the same time. The morning show host was interviewing two mothers of high school graduates who had given their daughters breast enhancement surgery as a graduation gift. It was as if the mothers were saying to their daughters, "It is a dog-eat-dog world out there. Now you can compete. Go get ‘em!" Wow!

The mothers were using the language of self-esteem, but I am sure that their daughters were not getting the message of a good self image from one of their most important and powerful relationships. The message the daughters were getting was, "Without large breasts, you don’t measure up." Of course, that message is given to young women by our culture every day. But to have our culture’s message reinforced by, perhaps the most power voice in a young girl’s life, her mother, well, it was just alarming to me.

But, as alarming as this is, I think I was saddened more at the base on which these mothers were trying to build their child’s self esteem. The base is a familiar base - "If you have curves and youth, you have worth." Try to build a self-esteem on this base, millions have, and you condemn yourself to a life time of botox injections and plastic surgery in an attempt to turn back time. You have worth when you are young, but when Father Time catches up to you, you are worthless.

While I am convinced that none of us can have a genuine sense of personal worth without the help of others, beware of trying to base your worth on competition, achievement, looks, or approval of others. Some of these may serve in the short run, but in the end they will fail as a basis for worth. Ultimately worth must be grounded in the creating grace of God.

All of us need others who value us if we are to have a healthy self-esteem. Mantras such as "I am good because God don’t make no junk," "I’m special," or "Look all the world over, there is no one like me" are powerless against the demons of worthlessness. These demons are driven away only by significant others in our lives who value us, not for how we look or what we can achieve, but for who we are.

Family members are not always able to sponsor our self worth. You cannot help someone with their sense of worth when you are feeling worthless yourself. Some times teachers and religious leaders can fill in for us when parents are unable to help. Surround yourself with positive upbeat friends. Seek to be positive yourself. Avoid criticism. Give your friends the "benefit of doubt." Know that others need you to sponsor their self-worth as much as you need their sponsorship.

PART II

Healthy self-esteem is the child of unconditional positive regard. All of us need sponsors for our sense of self-worth. James Dobson is on target when he says in "Hide or Seek" that parents are the primary sources of a child’s self-esteem. But what if a child’s parents are ill-equipped to promote their child’s sense of worth? What if unconditional positive regard is being washed away by the wars for independence?

Grandparents to the rescue! Here is a great opportunity for grandparents to step in. They are not involved in day by day struggles. They can swoop in like super heroes and just, as we say in East Texas, "love the dickins out of their grandchildren."

Grandparents can bolster a fragile sense of self-worth if they will major on being "good finders" - finding something the grandchild is doing well and call attention to it. Affirmation is finding that which is done well - that which is genuinely appreciated, and calling attention to it. And when there has been failure and disappointment, grandparents are well equipped to apply bandages and salve of the spirit kind. Living a long time gives you a perspective needed to realize that a failure here and there is not necessarily a harbinger of a failed life.

Friends are also a valuable source of positive self regard. Surround yourself with positive, upbeat friends who can love and value you for who you are and not for what you can do for them. Seek to be the kind of friend to others that you need others to be to you.

Though I am convinced that none of us can achieve a sense of self worth without feedback from significant others, there are some things each of us can do that tends to increase self-esteem. These are not "quick fixes." They are not something that can be done for a couple of months and forgotten. What I am suggesting involves a life style. Practice them for a lifetime and they will increase you sense of self-worth.

FIRST, DO MORE THAN YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET BY. Are you an employee? Come to work early and leave late. Do extra work that is not required to keep your job. Are you an employer? Pay your employees more than you have to. Cover them with health insurance. Be generous. Are you a student? Do more than just enough to get by. Study more than what is required by the instructor. Jesus had something to say about this: "If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles" Matthew 5:41. Doing more than is required increases your sense of self-esteem.

SECOND, SERVE SOMEONE WHO CANNOT REPAY YOU. Volunteers in our community have learned this secret. People who volunteer in our schools, hospital, and service clubs have a pay off - they have an improved sense of worth. Serving, however, need not be an organized effort. Find someone who needs something you can do and serve them. And don't broadcast your efforts. If you do, your service loses its power to boost your self-worth. Jesus had something to say about this also: "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret" Matthew 6:3.

THIRD, DON'T PARTICIPATE IN SELF-BASHING. I have known people who were terribly hard on themselves. They were constantly verbalizing their self-hatred. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can refuse to translate those feelings into spoken words. Refuse to "beat yourself up." You may have done something wrong or poorly, but constant bashing will serve only cause you to repeat your offense and lower your self-esteem.

Seek to make the above three suggestions a lifestyle and surround yourself with positive people. You will notice your self-esteem improving over the months and years ahead.