THE NEST REFILLED

Tom and Sue had eagerly anticipated the "empty nest" years. For 26 years they had been involved in the task of parenting four children. Now at the ages of 52 and 54, they were excited about having more time for each other. When their youngest, a college sophomore, left home in the fall, their first child, devastated by the break up of a marriage and the loss of employment, returned home. She brought with her two preschool children. Tom and Sue's nest was refilling.

The story of Tom and Sue is being multiplied everyday as married children return to their parental homes for a variety of reasons: financial, health, emotional. Nests are being refilled. More than 22 million 18-24 year olds share their parents homes. This is a 50% increase since 1970.

The under-30s, called by some "the boomerang generation," are returning home in greater numbers than at any time since World War II. Expanding housing costs and decreasing buying power is at the root of much of this return. Entry level salaries have failed to keep pace with housing costs.

Regardless of the reason for the return of adult children, problems are created for both parent and adult child. Feelings of failure, frustration, embarrassment and anger result in strained relationships. Parents often feel taken advantage of and feel there has been an infringement upon their time.

In spite of the problems associated with the refilling nest, there are also wonderful opportunities created when adult children return home: parents can again offer care to their children at a time when such care is critically needed, new and satisfying adult relationships with one's children is often a plus coming from the refilled nest, and there can be the fulfillment of seeing some of your values and ideals growing in your grandchildren.

If you find your nest refilling, here are some things you and your "returnee" can do that will help actualize the opportunities and minimize the problems. I am indebted to a couple of "returnees" for the following suggestions:

RETURNEES - 1) Remember that home is not the same place as it was when you were previously there. 2) Remember that the major portion of your life has been spent under the care and direction of your parents. This is a role that is not easily changed by either party. 3) Act maturely to earn being treated as an adult rather than merely demanding adult treatment. 4) Respect the rules of the house. You should not expect to come in and establish your own rules. 5) Appreciate what your parents have done for you. Parents do not have an obligation to take their adult children in. You are being given a gift.

PARENTS - 1) Allow your adult children to have their own identity. Treat them as adults. Resist falling back into a pattern of relating to your adult children as you did when they were minors. 2) Set written guidelines for responsibilities that are agreed to by all. As a parent you have the right to set limits on behavior for your home. 3) Avoid criticism and accusation. Returnees often suffer from lowered self esteem due to the hurts and failures that have occasioned their return. Their need is for emotional support. 4) Make sure that your ultimate goal is to get your adult children out on their own again with confidence.

Nests are likely to continue refilling well into the 21st century. You can live through the event. Ask God for help. Seek help from your church. You can help your "returnee" regain his/her confidence and venture out again to make their way in a world that is stern and often unforgiving.