BIRTH ORDER

Part I

"I just don't understand him. All of his brothers and sisters turned out fine. You would think he came from a different family."

The truth is, he did come from a different family. NO TWO PEOPLE GROW UP IN THE SAME FAMILY, just like you don’t put your foot in the same river twice. Before you dismiss this statement as absurd, consider the following family dynamics.

In my family we have three children. They are grown and gone from home, so writing about them will not embarrass them. If they find out that I have used them for illustrative purposes, they will probably ask for royalties. Our daughter is eleven years younger than her older brother (he left home for college when she was entering the second grade). She is eight years younger than her other brother (he was gone from home when we moved to Marshall in her sixth grade year). My daughter and I were having some heated conflict during her older teenage years. It was at a time that her older brother was home for a visit. Our son said to his sister: "Never think that you and I grew up with the same father!"

He was absolutely correct. I was much older when his sister came along. Hopefully I had learned something along the way and had not just marked time for eleven years. In my 50's I knew that some things were not all that important. It may be more accurate to say that I had less energy to expend so I had to pick my patenting issues more carefully.

I remember that "potty training" was a very important issue when the boys were small. I think we competed with our friends over whose child would be potty trained first. As I look back, it was Janell and I that got trained to set the boys on the commode at scheduled intervals. When our daughter arrived eleven years later, all that "flapping around" seemed foolish to me at age 37. It may be that I didn't have the energy. I remember saying to my wife, "She will get the hang of it without our help. There are very few first graders that have failed to master this important social skill. If, however, she is the one in 10,000, then we will send her to school with a purse full of clean panties." Well, I am sure you have surmised...she mastered this important social skill at an earlier age on her own than the boys did with my help.

My daughter did have a different father than her brothers. But there are other ways the family in which she grew up was different. My family of origin communicates different messages of expectancy to male children than female children. We lay these expectancies on older male children: he is to be more emotionally controlled, better disciplined, and more achievement-oriented. Our expectancies of younger female members of the family are more relaxed. Think about the molding effects of these expectancies when they are reinforced by extended family.

NO TWO PEOPLE GROW UP IN THE SAME FAMILY! Birth order...gender...age of parents and grandparents all work toward creating different environments for each of us. So if you have a brother or sister who is having a difficult time conforming to family expectations, "cut them some slack." The Bible calls this grace. Remember they had a different family from yours. If you extend grace to that "different" sibling, who knows, they may yet do things the way your family says that they ought to be done.

Part II

Birth order is an important determiner of who we become in adult life. Early on we were aware that middle children often had difficulty in negotiating their place in the family. They had to compete with an older sibling who always did things first and a younger sibling who was cute and usually got his/her way.

Many other factors influence and shape the adult the child becomes: The age of the parents, physical/mental handicaps, time spent with non-sibling groups (as in daycare programs), and remarriage with blended siblings (an older child can move to a middle position). The fact remains, for most of us, sibling relationships are the longest relationships of our lives, and therefore among our most powerful influences.

It is the message a family gives to a birth order position that becomes the powerful directive. I was the older son and the only Atkinson male child to carry the name of four past generations. I don't exactly know how the family communicated their expectations of me but I'm sure that some of the messages have been passed on to my sons. My older son has presented the family with three lovely daughters, but he and my daughter-in-law may have been content with two children if one had been a son. Family expectations are often given subliminally. There are exceptions, but the following messages given to various birth positions are often on target:

OLDEST CHILDREN will probably feel they are very special. They will carry the load of continuing the family tradition. Look to these folk to be very responsible. They may feel that they have a mission in life with regard to the family. These folk love responsibility and seek it. Often, they are the ones who are "elected" to care for the parents when the parents are unable to care for themselves. When someone tried to sympathize with me for my having the responsibility for my parents, I said: "Hey, don't feel sorry for me. I have spent my life running my campaign to get elected."

Families expect great things of their "first born." Over-achievers are often older siblings. These are your type A personalities. They can be very tough competitors. John Adams, the second President of the United States, was an oldest. We don't know what the expectations of his family were, or how they communicated these expectations to their oldest son. We do know that he was very straight forward in his communication to his oldest son, John Quincy Adams, the sixth President of the United States: "You came into life with advantages which will disgrace you if your success is mediocre. And if you do not rise to the head not only of your profession, but of your country, it will be your own laziness, slovenliness, and obstinacy." (Nagel, Descent from Glory: Four Generations of the John Adams Family, 1983, p.53)

The YOUNGEST CHILD, on the other hand is often treated like the "baby" of the family. Little is expected of him/her. These folk are used to being cared for and given their way. The youngest may be more carefree and less burdened by family responsibility. Often they have less respect for authority and convention.

MIDDLE CHILDREN go one of two ways: They can become rebellious and have a difficult time of defining their place in life. Or they can become the tension reliever for the family. Look for these to be the family clowns.

ONLY CHILDREN will sometimes take on some of the characteristics of the older and younger siblings. They are usually responsible and they are accustomed to getting their way.

With a little thought you can see how these characteristics play a part in marriage harmony or conflict. When two "oldest" marry, a lot of time is going to be spent trying to decide who is in charge. When two "youngest" marry, look for the charge cards to stay loaded to the limit. Theoretically, the best coupling is between an "oldest" and a "youngest." The "oldest" will have no rivals for being in charge, and they are use to giving in. The "youngest" can always have their way. Think about your struggles with your spouse. Do any of struggles relate to your birth orders?