CHILDREN AND GRIEF

Children are the forgotten mourners at funerals. Often they experience significant losses during their teen and pre-teen years: a treasured grandparent, a favorite aunt or uncle, a sibling, or a parent. And it is important to remember that they too have deep feelings and would appreciate having someone with whom they can share.

Try to find ways to encourage the child to tell you how they feel. They may ask, "What is heaven like?" Answering with a questions like, "What do you think?" is better than a ready-made answer.

You do not have to have an answer for every question a child has. It is more important to treat the question with the respect of listening than it is to have an answer. Children will understand if adults around them do not have "all of the answers." Do not tell them half truths, or untruths. These will not be helpful in the long run.

And do not try to choke off children's grief and pain. Allow them to express their suffering. Hold them and let them cry. The main thing is to let children know you care.

Make sure that they have some object that was meaningful to their loved one. It helps to have an aid to assist in remembering. I have some tools that belonged to my grandfather in my workshop. I never use them. They are outdated and newer tools work better. But on occasions, I pick up those tools and remember a grandfather working on his old cars and trucks - he was a machinist for Southern Pacific Railroad.

Let me recommend a book for children ages five through seven or eight - "My Grandfather’s Hat," by Melanie Scheller. The author chronicles a young child’s remembrance of his grandfather through the treasured object of an old hat.

Grieving is not an event, it is a process. The loss of someone you love is not something you "get over," it is something you learn to live with. I am often asked, "How long does grieving take?" My stock answer is, "It takes as long as it takes." And most of the time it takes a long time to learn to live with the loss.

If you have a child, however, that seems to be stuck in his/her grief, contact your local Hospice folk. These folk, like Israel’s Servant, are "acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). Hospice organizations often offer grief workshops for children.

Another resource for helping your child become "unstuck" in their grief is your pastor. Schedule a visit your pastor or a children’s minister if you attend a church with a large staff.

If church is not a workable solution, check out a mental health provider in your community. Look for one who specializes in children’s mental health. The main thing is not to overlook a child who is grieving.