No more rumors.  An Emory University study proves that they are indeed gay.

NEW STUDY PROVES THAT ALL HISTORICAL FIGURES WERE GAY

AP NEWSWIRE April 20, 2004 ---

Atlanta, GA: Researchers at Emory University have proved, beyond any doubt, that every single historical figure was a homosexual.  They announced their findings today in what has proven to be a storm of controversy.  Bruce Snidelman, head researcher said in an Emory University press release, "From Jesus to Hitler; Socrates to J. Edgar Hoover; Sappho to Janet Reno, all historical figures have had same sex relationships.  They may have hidden their relationships from the public but there is no doubt that every single one of them preferred to be with 'their own kind.'" 

The researcher's study began as a project to map the human genome and began by looking at similarities among famous people and found something that intrigued the scientists: all seem  to have an attraction to members of the same sex.  Snidelman admits that the study did not look to non-historical figures because, as Snidelman puts it, "we simply do not have enough information on them."  The researchers combed through memoirs, letters as well as town gossip when making their conclusions.  The evidence is surprisingly conclusive.  Another study conducted at Harvard University confirms Snidelman's findings.  Harvard professor Hagar Boreski checked over the Emory study and commented, "Yep.  Them's a bunch of homos."

When asked about the reason historical figures were sissies, fags and dykes, Snidelman offered a couple theories.  His main theory rests on the history of Western civilization.  "The assumption that one had to be gay in order to be important dates back to ancient Greece.  In order to be a citizen and engage in politics, a man had to bang another man."  He further notes that in modern times, those in power simply pushed same-sex relations into private spaces.  "Since the industrial revolution, being gay has become a status symbol in elite clubs while being shunned publicly.  Leaders advocated homophobic policies to keep their sexual relationships one reserved for an elite class."  By making it illegal or at least difficult to be gay, those in power held on to their power.  Snidelman's second, and more controversial theory is something that everyone can understand. "Homos and historical figures are narcissists.  They look in the mirror, are attracted to what they see, and fuck something that looks as similar as possible.  It makes sense that the powerful want to be with someone that has the same equipment"

When asked to comment on the study, President Bush quipped "I always suspected Winston Churchill was a fag."  After a reporter noted that President Bush was becoming a historical figure in his own right he ended the interview without further comment.

Studies on the matter will continue as researchers hope to isolate the gay/historical figure gene so that they can begin to create special institutions for future historical figures.  While some fear that finding the gay gene will lead religious zealots to advocate genetic engineering or, worse, infanticide, Snidelman notes that such a policy would not be to anyone's benefit. "Sure, the antichrist will be a historical figure and probably a lesbo or gay boy, but so will all the good folk."

7:38:39 PM