HOW TO RAISE A FAG HAG

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” Simone de Beauvoir, Existentialist Philosopher

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a fag hag.” – Spencer A. Fox, Queer Theorist

It is often assumed that fag hags are not taught to be the way they are but instead that they naturally have an affinity for gay men.  Not true.  Given the right ingredients, most any woman can become a fag hag.  It is up to us, powerful queer males, to assure that the women around us are aware of the high status that comes with those who befriend the queer male.  Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, queer men will adore women without trying to own them.  For the fag hag, being with queer male opens a space for adoration without fear.  LET IT BE RESLOLVED!

THE FAG HAG RESOLUTION

Whereas fag hags are an important part of the gay community.

Whereas fag hags provide us with just as much support and adoration as we provide them.

Be it therefore resolved that we must work to recruit and raise more fag hags just as we recruit and raise more fags.

My first fag hag was my mother.  Of course, in my childhood, while she had an intuitive sense of her special status as a fag hag, she did not recognize herself as a one explicitly.  That took some work.  While my brother was taken to baseball practice and encouraged to use power tools, my mother understood that her youngest son, Spencer, was special.  Instead of baseball I was encouraged to join a choir.  She took me to musical theater.  To this day my mom refuses to make me put together anything requiring some sort of power tool.  She raised a fag.  Now, in return, it was my duty to reveal to her her own special status.  What did this require?  Something simple: coming out. 

After coming out to mumsie, she understood that our relationship was more than just a mother-son relationship, it was a fag-fag hag relationship.  She is, as I am, an element of the queer community.  Now, when I return home to the nest, we go out for martinis, share an afternoon at the spa getting pedicures and talk about boys.  She has finally embraced her role and I have mine.

My other fag hag story follows a similar pattern.  I met one of my best friends, Jamie, in high school.  We would sit in the back of biology class together, ignore the teacher and instead gossip about our classmates.  Ours was an odd relationship for she was always part of the in crowd and I, sadly, was a dork.  We had no friends in common.  That did not destroy our bond.  We continued to discuss the important things in life: relationships, clothes and shoes, nearly everyday on the phone.  After turning twenty-one I returned from college and decided it was time to come out to Jamie.  Again, this is the key ingredient in raising a fag hag.  She, of course, was not surprised but had very odd questions about what it meant to be gay and very explicit questions about gay sex.  While these questions were, at first, a bit irritatingly uncomfortable, I answered them in an effort to have her accept her status in the gay community.  My rearing of little Jamie also involved taking her to a gay club for the first time.  She loved it.

After that brief “coming out” summer, I returned to college and we lost touch for a full two years.  One month ago I returned to the gay bars in Honolulu and discovered something interesting: Jamie’s first time in a gay bar was not her last.  She is now a fixture in the gay clubs.  After that summer Jamie seemingly never left the gay bars, fully accepted her fag hag role, and now knows the name of every cute man (including all the strippers) in the Honolulu gay clubs.  She, being the good friend, introduces me to all of them and says, “You may flirt with my friend, Spencer.  Isn’t he cute?”  Love her.

I raised a good fag hag.  When introducing me to a group of men she informs them that I was her first “fag” and she was my first “hag.”  The boys then thank me for my work raising a good fag hag.  It seems odd that if it were not for my efforts, she may be living a very different life.

Jamie makes me proud.  Not only are nearly all of her male friends of queer variety but she has also followed my lead in becoming an ethical slut.  There are even confirmed rumors of my hag hooking up with a semi-famous singer.  She is amazing.

Raising a fag hag is not difficult work but it does require effort.  Remember, women do not naturally become fag hags but instead are raised to be fag hags by those queer men that surround them.  It is up to us to continue to introduce women to this highly prized role.

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