MY LOST MIND

I have an admission to make.  I have a problem: I lose things all the time.  My friends make jokes about it such as, “When you’re old you will have an easy transition to senility” or “Can you just attach everything you need to your body?”  If only it were that simple. 

I am convinced that my mind works in such a way that, for some reason, I will move things from one location to another and have absolutely no recollection of doing so.  Everyone may lose things now and then but my problem is especially bad.  In the last month I have managed to lose:

1. My birth certificate
2. Several parking stubs
3. The TV’s remote control
4. Keys
5. Cash

These are just the items that have not yet been found.  There are many more items that I lose nearly everyday but find a few hours later, such as my wallet, cell phone and car keys. 

This condition has even affected my relationships.  At first my boyfriends think that my problem is really cute and they laugh while helping me search for my lost items but, as the relationship progresses, they soon become wary and just get irritated at my difficulty.

When I was on my college debate team I received a joke award that mocked my problem, the “Am I missing something?” award.  Funny.

The problem did not go away when I became a debate coach.  On my first trip as a coach I lost the keys to the rental car and had to pay $100 to replace them.  It wasn’t long after that that my boss sat me down and said, “Spencer, you have a problem that needs to be addressed.” 

“Yes?” I said.

“You lose things.”  Duh.

My friends have suggested that I have Adult ADD but I do not really have any of the symptoms beyond this.  I have considered getting the ADD medication just for fun.  A little Ritalin never hurt anyone, right?

I have spent the entire morning in search for several lost items. I think I am going mad. 

3:15:28 PM    

TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES

Why do we place such a high emphasis on truth?  Most of us like being lied to.  At work, for example, I act really excited and happy.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I even go overboard when I have to tell someone who there server is.  I say, for instance, “You have a great server today.  His name is Kasey.”  I have no idea if Kasey is great.  I have no idea who Kasey is.  It doesn’t matter; the people I just sat think that Kasey and they think that they are special because they have a great server.  This mild bit of brainwashing usually translates into higher tips for the servers. 

What would happen if I told the truth?

“I really don’t care that today is your birthday.”

Or

“I have no idea who Kasey is.  It says here on this little sheet that he or she is your server.  Have fun.”

What would happen?  I’d get fired.  So, I play a role and, like any actor, sometimes I play the role well and other times I am not such a great actor. 

Tonight, my acting skills were so great that one of the couples I talked to for about ten seconds told the manager how much they enjoyed talking to me.  He, of course, came over to congratulate me.  I was a good actor. 

I have considered taking my acting to a new level and attempting to lie to guests to make a connection with them.

Here’s a possible scenario:

“Where are you from?”

“Denver, Colorado.”

“Or, really?  Well, my family is originally from Denver.  It’s good to meet someone else from the mile-high city.”

What’s wrong with a little lie?*

This got me thinking: are the most successful people in the world just really good actors?  There are some professions in which this is obviously true: salespersons, waiters, trial lawyers and politicians. 

Is this true for all professions?  Are there any persons that get paid for being brutally honest or do we all have to lie to each other just to maintain a basic level of sanity? 

*I refuse to call “good” lies “little white lies” in order to avoid the use of racist color metaphors.

2:01:26 AM