Queer(eco)logy

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 09:39:44 GMT

I LIED

To my readers, I do apologize once more. I did have good intentions and planned great updates. However, my boyfriend does not have a phone line so I was unable to hook in to the internet. "Hey!" you may say, "you could have found a phone line elsewhere." This is true. However, given the short amount of available time for sex and other fun I needed to focus on one thing for a week.

To make up for lost time here is a Reader's Digest version of the events and thoughts of the last week:

8/12: "I love you" is so much better than "You were a good fuck."

8/13: The boy bought me a bouquet of flowers. To my surprise I bounced up and down like a girl and was overcome by some strange feeling of gratitude. Who am I? Will I soon start enjoying romantic comedies?

8/14: Today I was introduced to my boyfriend's closest friends at a large dinner gathering. Most of them gave me knowing glances. I think my poor boy has talked me up and they expected an Adonis. Adonis I am not. A few of his ex-boyfriend's were openly hostile. I shall avoid conversation with them from now on.

8/15: The Buffalo Exchange provides the best shopping experience in the world. I love searching through used clothes and finding gems. I purchased three hot brand name items for less than thirty bucks. For an extended analysis of the Buffalo Exchange read Weird Like Us.

8/16: My boy surpised me with a trip to the Oregon coast. The picture in the new banner came from a trip to Ecola State Park near Cannon Beach. Lovely. Here's a secret about the picture in the old banner: It was taken at Central Park. I'm so tricky.

8/17: A gay homeless man asked us for a quarter. We seriously didn't have any change and told him so but he didn't seem to believe us and yelled, "QUEENS!" I have never been gay bashed by a homeless homosexual before. It made me laugh for a good hour.

8/18: Last night after sex my boy said, "You are so damn good. You must have lots of experience." I responded, "Hello, pot, this is kettle."

8/19: Left Portland today for Seattle in order to complete the final preparations for the move to Philadelphia. I said goodbye to my boyfriend and we are both hoping that a long distance relationship will work.

More tomorrow...

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 19:53:46 GMT

MOVING...AGAIN

Tomorrow I fly from Honolulu to the Pacific Northwest where I shall spend a good week with my boy before heading off to law school. While I plan to be a bit more diligent in my posts than I had been the last time I was getting regular sex, I must warn you, dear reader, that I may miss a day or two while I travel.

My summer can be defined by one word: laziness. From what I remember from ethics, Aristotle defined virtue as moderation. This comes to mind, of course, when I realize that I have been anything but moderate. I did absolutely nothing save act like some happy yet slightly uppity fag for eight dollars an hour at the one of the highest grossing restaurants in the US. When I wasn’t doing that I was getting wasted and high with new and old friends. No virtue here. Now it is time to buckle down and become a good, hard working student.

As I move away from my boyfriend I worry that it will be difficult to maintain a relationship. We have plans to meet every month but given the constant temptation around me I sure do hope that is enough. One recent example comes from this emaciated but slightly spicy boy I hooked up with about a year ago. He sent me an IM:

“You were a great f**k. When you come to New York I want you f**k me again.” Hot, right? I must resist.

In some weird, masochistic way I am enjoying this very difficult test of my will power. I am afraid that if I do not see the boy at least every month I may have to request an open relationship. I just don’t want to lose the best guy in the world to my over-active libido.

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 08:00:06 GMT

FAT

When I announce that I feel fat most people just laugh thinking that I was making some joke. While I would not It isn’t true. For the last month and a half I have done very little exercise due to the humid weather and my own general laziness. While the scale reads about the same number I feel much heavier. I need some sort of motivation to drive me back to the gym but finding that motivation has been a bit difficult.

Some things that give me motivation:

* Going to the beach and seeing bodies that are far better than my own.

* Taking off all my clothes and looking in a mirror

* Purchasing a fitness magazine with cute boys on the cover.

I attempted all three recently without my desired results. I ended up reading the fitness magazine and being a bit cynical about the whole fitness magazine genre and decided to “fix” the cover. Here is a poem, of sorts, based on the Fitness for Men cover.

THE PERFECT BODY: AN ULTIMATE PRESCRIPTION

Ripped abs

By July fourth!

Buy July fourth abs ripped.

100 ways to lose 10 pounds.

10 pounds to lose 100 ways

50 PROVEN

ways to burn more fat

fat more to burn. Ways? proven 50.

MORE SEX

HEALTHIER PROSTATE

healthy + prostate = sex more

bigger arms

IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!

weak arms in for bigger

just four !

What does the above poem mean? What is it trying to do? Don’t ask me. I am just finding ways to make my purchase worthwhile. I just hope that this fatty trend of zero exercise does not continue once I move to a less humid environment.

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 00:48:54 GMT

MUMSIE'S GAY JOKES

For some reason my mother has become comfortable with my sexual identity enough to make gay jokes. I see this as almost as bad as a non-Jew making jokes about Jewish lawyers. But, of course, I am excited that she thinks she's an insider.

The other day after purchasing an expensive name-brand wallet with a gift certificate Mumsie won, I told her how guilty I felt owning something with a name brand. She said, "Don't worry. Some fag will see you pull that out and be all impressed." Fag? Since when did she get the go ahead to use that word?

Today at the movie theater (yes, I see movies with Mumsie) I ordered a Diet Coke for her and a fruit punch/Diet Coke mix for myself. The woman behind the counter hands us the Diet Coke first saying, "This is the straight Diet Coke." Without a pause Mumsie says, "I'm the straight one" and giggles. I was shocked but, of course, laughed along.

So far everything is good natured but if she ever starts off a joke with "So, a gay guy enters a bar..." I will have to put a end to this.

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 09:02:23 GMT

SILLY LITTLE POEMS

I just returned from another night of work. Strangely I have grown to love this job which scares me. I do not want to become a Disney character.

In any event, my extreme fatigue will prevent me from writing a post about forests and getting lost. That much longer post will have to wait until tomorrow.

Instead I will share a couple silly poems. I am not a poet. However, a teacher once told me that one should never apologize for a gift and writing is a gift so that is the extent of the apologies I shall offer.

Different friends inspire different kinds of poetry. My future roommie and recently single friend, Seth (hot 24-year-old future attorney with a great smile) is quite silly and inspires limericks. I have written him about seven poems so far. The most recent limerick was inspired by a series of questions he posed to our fellow law students about their decision to purchase the most expensive computer offered by the school. Here it is:

There lived a man named Blinder
Who craved cheap computers and binders
He looked low and high
Asked who, what, where and why
Must computers come with automatic meat grinders?

Another Seth inspired poem:

There once was a boy named Seth

Who said, “I want minty fresh breath!”

He took all his pills

And paid the doctor bills

The Smithsonian wants his mouth upon death

Cheesy? Yes. Seth is the boy with a cheesy grin that will make any boy flip so I think this works.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, inspires slam poetry which is odd since I have never written a slam poem prior to writing poetry for him. Here is the boyfriend inspired poem:

A singer, preacher and lifestyle teacher,
this boy's gots the goods that will turn
any man into a insane creacher. The
dude knows how to chit chat and eat a
good big snack and mack on all the
Johns and Jacks. I'm putting him in a
jar so he won't go far for this phat cat
knows how to make out on the beach
and in a car. Lovely grins is his game
and sins are his shame so file in line,
dudes, cats and maniacs for this little
ghetto freak is rocking the world and he
ain't no Greek. No, sir, he's in island
chico that is down low with the booty
row using his H-pass to justify his sass.
Dude, this cat's got style. He makes
me smile.

If you are now barfing, I do apologize. I'll keep working on that poetry.