Ultimate Pantywaists. Via Atrios, I see that Something Awful has an entertaining account of a "legal" tiff it found itself engaged in with one Chris Lewis, lawyer (and Director of Communications, which appears to mean he's the one who records the voice mail message) for washed-up ex-wrestler turned-wannabe-Michael-Savage The Ultimate Warrior. Mr. Warrior (as his buds know him) turned up at U. Conn. last week to deliver himself of some well-judged attacks on, well, the usual laundry list of winger attackees, and the event seems to have gone pretty much according to WWF form:

The night quickly changed from a love fest over the Ultimate Warrior and his career in what was then known as the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) to an attack on his personal beliefs. The Warrior - who Norm Moghtaderi, a 10th-semester sociology and history major, felt was homophobic and racist - was met with unhappy members of the Tent City protest group.

"People like this should not be allowed to spat this off without being countered," said Geoff Traugh, a 4th-semester peace studies and political science major.

The dispute between Traugh and Warrior escalated. Warrior screamed back and stomped on the stage saying questions would be answered during the question and answer segment. ...

The College Republicans, who sponsored the event with the Undergraduate Student Government, said the organization was just trying to add another point of view to the discussion.  ...The group said they had worked hard to bring another view to add to respectful debates. They thought Warrior would represent new ideas after members saw him live. The organization felt compelled to send out a press release apologizing for the event.

Warrior got an unfavorable response from the crowd when he discussed homosexuals.

"Queering don't make the world work," Warrior said. ...

Warrior's comments forced one man to yell at him and ask him to apologize to Moghtaderi. While listening to Moghtaderi, Warrior said he needed to get a towel. Moghtaderi is Iranian and his friend took offense, causing an outburst.

All of which caused Something Awful to make Mr. Warrior's home page its "Awful Link of the Day" last Friday, which in turn caused Mr. Lewis to lower the legal boom:

As Director of Communications for Ultimate Creations, Inc. - which owns all rights associated with the wrestling character Ultimate Warrior - part of my job is to address any violations of Ultimate Creations' intellectual property rights associated with the character. Consider this email as your fair notice that we consider your site to be in violation of those rights.

A current posting on your site refers to the Ultimate Warrior as a "racist" - a statement that is not true, and is clearly libelous.

Furthermore, Ultimate Creations, Inc. has never authorized you or anyone affiliated with your website to use the image or likeness of Ultimate Warrior.

Watching Lewis climb down from this—after a detour through vague and hapless episode of telephone harrassment, Lewis finally allows as to how he's just got too many "irons in the fire right now for Warrior" to "piddle" further with the threat he himself initiated—is a fine thing: but with all due respect to all parties, I think there's a real missed opportunity here, and somebody ought to remark on it before it gets lost entirely.

Mr. Lewis seems not to have recognized that he's stumbled on a significant innovation in legal practice, and more important one that is almost infinitely monetizable. In Lewis's theory, the fact that the Ultimate Warrior has constituted himself as a brand means that any criticism of him, qua Ultimate Warrior, is a violation of intellectual property rights! (Hell, you can't talk about him without using the intellectual property of his brand name, right?) Now, I realize that un-American, life-hating, activist judges might balk at such an extension of the domain of intellectual property—but I think we (I say we, because I expect to end up with a cut of this action) can certainly find enough funding to intimidate gently persuade them away from their reluctance.

I mean, think of it! Here's the solution to Tom DeLay's problems right in front of them, and Lewis (and Something Awful) just blow right past it. All we have to do is trademark Tom as The Ultimate Bugman, and poof! No more ethics charges! Democrats better think twice about saying unauthorized nasty things about him, unless they want to face the wrath of Ultimate Pantywaist Productions (a name I'm toying with for our new company). We'll do it for Jeb Bush, too, to ward off any fallout from the Terri Schiavo fiasco—meet (we need something Floridian here) The Ultimate Swamp Adder! And for Rick Santorum, The Ultimate Anal Lubricant! How much do you think these guys would pay us to make them attack-proof this way?

The potential revenue stream here is enormous. I'm sure that a guy as pro-active as Chris Lewis, even with all those irons firing, won't hesitate to pick up on this once I alert him to it. Since Something Awful was good enough to post his email address, I'm going to get my giant moneymaking proposition right over to him. I'll let you know just as soon as I hear anything back.

posted by michael  10:58:24 AM  
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