Wolf Blitzer... simulacrum?
James Wolcott has the details:
In a shock announcement that will reverberate through broadcast journalism, CNN has acknowledged that it can no longer vouch for the authenticity of host Wolf Blitzer.
After months of being buffeted by accusations and speculation, CNN subjected Blitzer to a series of forensic tests over the weekend and determined that his beard is a polyfiber synthetic and his lack of affect was attributable to a defective chip insecurely fitted into his fliptop head.
"Though we regret learning Wolf Blitzer is animatronic," said CNN chief Bip Peterson, "this in no way undermines the integrity of the journalism he did for the network, or CNN's commitment to the reelection of George Bush."
And it turns out that he may not be the only one.
Speculation now turns to CNN's Judy Woodruff, rumored for years to be a stick-figure pictogram, despite fierce denials from colleagues who claim to have ridden the elevator with her.
"Judy, Wolf, Larry King--none of them are real," says a former intern at the network who still has nightmares.
Time Warner stock soared on the revelations. The markets see the use of simulacra as an innovative cost-cutting measure.
7:03:20 PM 
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