So, when I decided to start a blog, I was a dedicated and enthusiastic television watcher. I could get into emotional arguments over Paradise Hotel, I could quote entire episodes of Seinfeld, I even almost stuck it out with Ally McBeal until the end. Naturally, it seemed to me, television should be one of my weekly discussion topics.
But suddenly I've developed all of these annoying outside interests, or maybe the more accurate way to say it is that outside interests have recruited me. So, I found myself at the beginning of April just finished with a marathon of rehearsals and performances of a three-and-a-quarter hour production of Othello, only to commit myself to two more plays, in addition to trying to catch up on all of the research work I have fallen behind on. Alas, I find that it is T.V. that must be sacrificied when my nights are so busy. So, I cannot talk to you about all the intrigues of the latest Survivor, or celebrate the much-too-tardy end of Friends, or share giggles over the silliness of Scrubs. I have not forsaken T.V., though, when I do get home, usually around 10 P.M., CST, I will turn on the tube and watch for about an hour before I get to slogging through the 1000+ page translation of Don Quixote that I have been reading before I go to bed. There is usually not much that is good that is on around that time, but it's not all bad, either. I thought I'd share with you my experience when I get home and start flipping through channels, giving you a sense of my random thoughts, anticipations, and pet peeves as I explore the aether that is cable TV.
I usually start channel surfing at the high end of the dial. I almost always begin with VH-1, Channel 61 on my cable. Though Bravo (Channel 69) and fx (Channel 72), both sometimes have some good shows, it's usually not worth exploring so far up my cable dial for their usually scanty returns.
Channel 61 (VH-1) - Is I Love the 70s, I Love the 80s or Best Week Ever! on? If not, it's usually not worth sticking around.
Channel 60 (SciFi) - Every once in a while, they'll have reruns of X-Files, about the only thing I ever watch on this channel.
Channel 59 (Comedy Central) - I'll watch the first half of The Daily Show, bailing out for the interview portion. Colin Quinn's show is growing on me, though I still haven't been able to sit through an entire episode. Dave Chappelle rocks. I can no longer stand Crank Yankers, where is Reno 911?
Channel 58 (History Channel) - The History Channel sounds good in theory, but all they ever show are features on WW2, and Modern Marvels, which I guess is a show I should like, since I am a scientist and into gadgets, but I don't like the show at all. Also, R. Lee Ermy gets on my nerves just by watching the commercials for Mail Call.
Channel 57 (AMC) - Does the American Movie Classics station ever show any good movies? Yeah, every once in a while you'll get The French Connection, but that hardly makes up for the hours and hours of Jimmy Stewart/John Wayne westerns and random 70s drivel, that nobody even liked much back then.
Channels 56, 55 - I think one of these channels might be the tube channel. I just flip by them.
Channel 54 (WGN) - These guys show a lot of reruns of Becker, which I like, but every time I sit down and start watching Becker, I feel like I should be watching something else, and I'll flip to another station.
Channels 49-53 - I don't know what these channels are, there are some Spanish-language stations in there. Every once in a while, I feel like I should sit down and watch a lot of Mexican wrestling, because it is so very kitschy and it sounds like it would be such a very cool thing to brag that I am totally into Mexican wrestling, and I might even learn some Spanish "Grande Pugilisto!!!", but I can never actually make myself watch it.
Channel 48 (WE) - The Women's Entertainment channel will show it's share of pretty good movies.
Channels 45-47 - One of these is Black Entertainment Television, which could be a very cool channel, but is actually a very bad channel. Robert Johnson, CEO of BET, is a cheapskate and a hypocrite, who fills BET with low-cost programming consisting mainly of music videos and taped comedy performances. What a shame.
Channel 44 (E!) - Be careful going past this channel, you may get sucked in. I like almost nothing about Howard Stern, but I can't help but watch his show when I see it is on. Ditto for the Celebrities Uncensored! or Celebrities Caught On Tape! shows. E! is a dangerous network, and I vow from here on out to never again watch its cheap, exploitative shows. I promise to quit, after this week... I mean this month... Well, someday I will quit watching its cheap, exploitative shows.
Channel 43 (Nickelodeon) - When I get home, Nick at Nite will be showing either Cheers reruns, Roseanne reruns or Wings reruns. God help me if they're showing Roseanne. If it's Cheers or Wings I might stick around to watch.
Channels 40-42 - I think these are premium cable stations, or maybe they're more Spanish wrestling. For whatever reason, I either don't get them or have programmed them out of my TV.
Channel 39 (TCM) - I watch the Silent Sunday Nights Movies, which is one of the best ideas ever in cable television programming. Otherwise, I just don't have the time to take in whole movies, and I feel cheated if I have to tune in late or leave early.
Channel 38 (Fox News) - I now remember that Channel 56 is CSPAN, tune in for British Parliament, seriously, it's viscious, and that Channel 45 is MSNBC, and, according to this guy The Dennis Miller Show isn't really so bad. But about Fox News. What can you say? Fair and Balanced, well maybe not. I was addicted to Bill O'Reilly's The Factor for a while, but have since come to my senses.
Channel 37 (Fox Sports) - This is the ESPN-wannabe channel. I never have been able to get into The Best Damn Sports Show like others I know, but I'm not too worried about it.
Channel 36 - Don't know, don't care.
Channel 35 (TNT or TBS) - I can never keep these straight, but Channel 35 shows the X-Files reruns, which is what I'm interested in.
Channel 34 (ESPN2) - An ESPN1 wannabe. Every once in a while, I'll catch Pardon the Interruption on "The Deuce", and PTI really is the best damn sports show. Other than that, I keep on flipping.
Channel 33 (ESPN) - Slate had an article recently about the demise of SportsCenter. I guess it has gotten worse, but I never thought it was so good. I alway believed that Dan Patrick and Keith Olberman were way overrated, and it seems that maybe their career tracks have borne that out.
Channel 32 (Spike) - They had a summer show, Joe Somebody or Joe Nobody... Joe something, but whatever it was, it was pretty good.
Channel 31 (TNT or TBS) - This is the one that doesn't show X-Files reruns.
Channel 30 (MTV) - OK, maybe I am a dirty old man, but isn't Hilary Duff hot?
Channels 23-29 - Keep flipping.
Channel 22 (Cartoon Network) - I'm sorry, but I just can't get into that anime crap. Can't they just show Home Movies, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and SeaLab 2021 all week? Is that too much to ask?
Channel 21 (USA) - I like Monk, although it's not nearly as good as some people seem to think it is. These guys had the latest Heidi Fleiss movie, didn't they? And I heard they showed a lot of bare-ass butts in that movie. I'll have to catch it in reruns.
Channels 14-20 - Public access stuff.
Channel 13 (ABC) - Network TV, they still have network TV?
Channel 12 (CBS or NBC) - See Channel 13.
Channel 11 (CBS or NBC) - See Channel 13.
Channel 10 - Spanish-speaking station, I don't speak Spanish.
Channel 9 (Fox) - To hell with Must See TV, the Fox Sunday night television lineup is the best television lineup ever, and that coupled with Cartoon Network's Sunday Adult Swim, and the Silent Sunday Night movie on TCM, makes present-day Sundays the best TV night of all night. No, I'm not engaging in hyperbole. Memo to Fox: Do not cancel Arrested Development or I will switch to the Mexican wrestling-only station.
Channel 8 (PBS) - PBS has had on recently an apparently heartrending documentary on immigration and some other Frontline show that was supposed to be very good. I missed them both, damn schedule conflicts, damn no TiVo, damn not knowing how to tape stuff with my VCR!!!! I did catch a Charlie Rose in which he interviewed two members of the 9/11 Commission in which they made some of the same points that were made by the very wise person who wrote this post.
Channels 6, 7 - Channels 6 and 7? I don't need no stinkin' channels 6 and 7.Channel 5 (WB) - When I come home at 9 or 10 at night, channel 5 is my savior. They have the Seinfeld reruns, and the Will and Grace reruns, and the Everybody Loves Raymond reruns, and Seinfeld reruns again. And sure, maybe I've reached the point of diminishing returns with Seinfeld, so that the jokes are no longer as funny the 789th time around, and maybe the only character I like on Will and Grace is Karen, and maybe I do secretly hate Deborah and Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond, and I secretly hope they are killed in a freak water sprinkler accident, so that the show becomes Ray's Family, and All the Crazy-Ass Stuff They Do, but does that make me a bad person? I think it does.
Channel 4 (UPN) - If I get home at 9, instead of having to actually do something constructive and worthwhile in the 1/2 hour before Seinfeld comes on, I can instead watch Frasier, which is on at 9. The motto for the show Frasier I've always thought should be "Something You Can Do In the Half-Hour Before Seinfeld Comes On", but apparently the "network bigwigs" didn't think it was a good idea, and didn't think a date with Debra Messing would be appropriate compensation for a motto, even if they did like it, and even if I bought lobster for her. Channels 2 and 3 - Do these stations really exist? It will forever remain a mystery.
