Thursday, February 26, 2004

Cassandra Demands A Modest Proposal Power to the People The obvious problem with the Defensive Marriage Amendment is that it doesn't go far enough. Why do the American people only get to decide if gays should be allowed to marry? A great many of us find the marriage of really ugly people to be offensive. And what about old people? We believe that all couples who want to get married should submit photos and brief bios to be displayed on a website. A brief video might be nice. Then the rest of us get to vote on whether they get a license or not. As Admiral Poindexter says: "Your Rights End Where My Casual Interest Begins" That's the ticket! Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva    Now, carcinogen free! 9:09:16 PM    comment []

Cassandra Lite State Visit Coming to America George Bush Welcomed President Saakashvili of Georgia to the White House. The visit was a welcome diversion from the Defenisive Marriage debate. Mr. Bush praised Mr. Saakahvili's dedication to Democracy and the charms of Atlanta. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva     If Columbus hadn't gone "off-shore" there'd be no America! 8:42:22 PM    comment []

Cassandra Asks On Line Poll America wants to know Are you in favor of amending the Constitution to prevent same-sex marriages? a) Yes b) No c) We are in a war with international terrorism, our soldiers are dying daily in Iraq, our economy is in a shambles, we are hemorrhaging jobs, we are told Social Security will be cut back and you ask about same-sex marriages, what are you an idiot? Please let us know. Email Cassandra at ppp@frontiernet.net Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  A Church People Company! 6:10:41 PM    comment []

Cassandra Lies The Name Of The Rose Just Whistle A Happy Tune The White House has suggested reclassifying fast food restaurant jobs as belonging to the manufacturing sector. As a followup, the White House is about to ask that the unemployed be reclassified as employed. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  Its not your father's itch cream. 5:46:51 PM    comment []

Cassandra Predicts Buckle your Seat Belt Dip Ahead The White House has suggested reclassifying fast food restaurant jobs as belonging to the manufacturing sector. This would have two effects: 1) The number of manufacturing jobs would quickly soar as tens of thousands of restaurant workers are added to that list. 2) The number of manufacturing jobs would then quickly drop, as fast food restaurants are forced to close when it is pointed out that they are in areas not zoned for manufacturing. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  Made in and near America. 5:30:42 PM    comment []

Cassandra Reports INSIDE SOURCES BREAKING NEWS Cassandra has learned the specifics of the Howard Stern suspension. While Clear Channel head John Hogan had avoided explaining the specific actions of Stern that led to his removal, he did say "It was vulgar, offensive and insulting, not just to women and African-Americans but to anyone with a sense of common decency." Sources owning a radio report that Stern was booted off the air for saying the following: "Why should Blacks be heard? They're 12% of the population. Who the hell cares." "Sexual harassment at this work station will not be reported. However...it will be graded." "If we are going to start rewarding no skills and stupid people-- I'm serious, let the unskilled jobs that take absolutely no knowledge whatsoever to do--let the stupid and unskilled Mexicans do that work." "Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." "One of the things I want to do before I die is conduct the homeless olympics...the 10-metre shopping cart relay, the dumpster dig, and the hop, skip, and trip." "I don't give a hoot that [Columbus] gave some Indians a disease that they didn't have immunity against." (To a black caller): "Take that bone out of your nose and call me back." "Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?" .................................................................... Even Later Breaking Story Cassandra Retracts .................................................................... In an error certainly due to others, Cassandra misattributed the quotes cited above. They were from Clear Channel star Rush Limbaugh and are, of course, fine and dandy. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva , Because that's the way God wants it. 4:18:33 PM    comment []

Cassandra Reports Clearing The Air Stern Treatment Other Puns To Follow Clear Channel, owner of pretty much all of America's radio stations, suspended Howard Stern for something. While they won't tell us what it was that Stern did, they seemed to indicate it involved insulting woman and Blacks. This is not the first time that Clear Channel has stood up for decency. They previously banned the Dixie Chicks when one of them said that as a Texan she was ashamed that George Bush came from Texas. This sends an unspoken signal to Clear Channel stars such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to steer clear of indecency and to stay focused on femi-nazis, Liberal traitors and day long airings of false rumors about John Kerry. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva , Producers of fine foods and food like substances. 3:59:13 PM    comment []

Cassandra Barfs Reading Comprehension Test Washington Post Editor Dies No One Notices Okiedoke, here's the test. This will count on your final grade in November. Read the article at this link: (HOLYCRAP!)   Read it? Aw, cmon, go read it. O.K. so you skimmed. Question 1: According to the writer, who gave what to Kerry? Question 2: According to the writer, is Kerry the largest recipient of "Special Interest" donations in the Senate? Question 3: What the hell is going on at the Washington Post? Answers are available here: (OMIGOD!) Remember EVERYTHING will be on the final exam! Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva , Celebrating over 4 years without a major felony conviction. 12:35:22 PM    comment []