Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Cassandra Notes NRA Plays Kill Bill I'm Gonna Take My Bullets And Go Home The Senate, deciding that continuing to keep Uzi's and AK-47s off the streets made sense to them, extended the ban on those weapons in an amendment to the Defense of Carnage Bill, which exempts gun manufacturers, dealers, and collectors from law suits. An astonished and miffed NRA, unsatisfied by protections that are extended to no other industry or group in America, didn't want to play anymore and ordered the Senators they own to kill the entire bill. Their calculation is that the huge numbers of people who had been aching to own assault weapons will now go to the polls and vote the rotters out of office. The one flaw in their plan is that, the largest number of those people aching to own Uzis are diasaffected High School kids too young to vote. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  DUCK!. 8:25:24 PM    comment []

Cassandra Reflects Journalistic Nostalgia Looking Back on 2002 and Down on Cokie Commenting on accusations of criminal activity by George W. Bush while he was a member of the board at Harken Energy, supposed-journalist Cokie Roberts dismissed the idea: "The president was exonerated by the Securities and Exchange Commission, saying he didn't do anything illegal or improper on insider trading charges," she said on July 8. "But the Democrats won't let it go." Roberts did not mention that Bush's lawyers asked the Securities and Exchange Commission for a statement that he had been cleared -- and the SEC responded that its initial letter "must in no way be construed as indicating that [Bush] has been exonerated or that no action may ultimately result from the staff's investigation." Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  Things go better with cokie. 7:14:04 PM    comment []

Cassandra Pries Le plus Curious L'Acte Patriotique  The attorneys hired by the Cassandra Institute, from the firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Stephenson, have uncovered a loophole which will allow us to continue to read the Patriot Act. Section 666, Speaking In Tongues, Paragraph *, Sub (#), prohibits translating the Patriot Act into or reading the Patriot Act in, any known human language.   For the sake precision it lists all languages from Afrikaans to Zulu. It seems that for political reasons, French was struck from the list. Our staff fed the Patriot Act into an English to French translation program and are now muddling through with their limited memory of 8th grade French and the help of the Petite Larousse. Progress is slow and the language is somewhat stilted, but we are moving forward. We will continue to report our findings. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  Nous ne parlons pas. 6:46:40 PM    comment []

Cassandra Lies Reforming The Guns Laws Close Vote Expected At the urging of the NRA,  Bill Frist has introduced an amendment to the bill to shield gun makers and dealers from lawsuits. The amendment would decriminalize murders if committed with a hand gun or rifle. Laws constraining homicides brought about without fire-arms would not be effected. It is expected that the Gun Control lobby will seek to brand the measure as extreme. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  It's just a flesh wound. 11:12:40 AM    comment []

Cassandra Regrets Political Nostalgia When Invective Was Art William Gladstone: "I predict, Sir, that you shall die either on the gallows or of some loathsome disease." Benjamin Disraeli: "That, Sir, depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  Rimshot. 3:43:53 AM    comment []

Cassandra Hosts A Response Guest Editorial (Having printed the painful truth, that John Kerry not only looks French, but speaks French, we decided, upon advice of counsel, to allow another viewpoint to be heard on these pages) George W. Bush has never, never had to deal with the consequences of his own actions. For him, the fix was always in. Legacied into, and apparently through, Yale and then Harvard; bumped up the line into (and mysteriously out of) the Texas Air National Guard; personally unscathed by one failed business venture after another, each one followed by yet another rich friend of his father’s bankrolling him into the next doomed scheme; parlaying his name, his connections and a borrowed $500,000 to invest in the Texas Rangers into a $135,000,000 dollar ripoff of the citizens of Arlington Texas; skating by despite glaring evidence of insider trading in Harkin oil; and finally being handed an unwon presidency. And so, now, if he seems surprised that the lies, the posturing and bluster, the empty promises, the double-dealing, the disregard for honesty or ethics or the law is beginning to take their toll on his popularity, he really can’t be blamed. He was never in a position to learn that cause is followed by effect. Like everything else in his life, it’s not his fault, he was just there when it happened Jonathan Swiller Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  We only work here. 3:14:51 AM    comment []

Cassandra Pries Curiouser and Curiouser Lockout The Cassandra Institute's attempt to read all of the Patriot Act has hit a snag. It turns out that Section 1922.6 Data Containment, Paragraph C, Sub (2), makes it illegal to read the Patriot Act. Our attorneys are studying the matter and we hope to be able to complete our mission. As before, we will continue to report our findings. Cassandra is brought to you by eXcilliva .  It's a secret! 1:09:26 AM    comment []