Saturday, March 13, 2004

Cassandra Berates Cowards and Ten-Year-Olds Grow Up and Speak Up! Throughout the country there are two parties, the Republican Party and The Democratic Part. However in D.C. that second one is the "Democrat" Party. That's because the Republicans, acting like 4th grade bullies, think it's really neat to get the other guy's name wrong. The Dems don't say anything for fear of looking like whiners. Have the Democrats considered the simple idea of waiting for the next time the word is trotted during a joint appearance with a Republican on Meet The Press,  Nightline or whatever and replying: "Why should the American people listen to you?    You're so (ignorant/ out of touch / dumb / brain damaged from tertiary syphilis) that you don't know the name of one of the two American political parties?" Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   We Do News Gud. 11:07:48 PM    comment []

Cassandra Hosts Guest Poet Cassandra invites rebuttal doggeral from responsible versifiers. Watching telly home in Britain A lonely druid was most smitten A professor of anatomy The love he felt just had to be So moved was our carin' pagan He sought the help of Daryn Kagan I adore the lass who does the weather We must spend our lives together Every fiber I possess loves this meteorologess My pulsing brain, my throbbing heart mourn the fact that we're apart 'Life with her would be so grand' shouts my sad pineal gland My spleen trembles, my lungs burn Emotion makes my stomach churn Dear Ms Kagan, lovely anchoress Help me now, before my pancreas Dies from a need, so large, tremendous It overwhelms my poor appendix My steaming blood, my boiling kidney every organ loves Orleon Sidney jonathan swiller Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   Dumb as dirt! 8:53:08 PM    comment []

Cassandra Pales Kerry Breaks Fifth Commandment! (maybe Fourth) Kerry Hates His Parents! In their most hard-hitting ad to date the Bush Administration has accused John Kerry of breaking the Fifth Commandment (fourth if you're Catholic): "Honor thy father and thy mother." Marc Racicot, Chairman Bush-Cheney 04, distributed to the press an affidavit signed by James Trainor, who identifies himeself as a childhood friend of the Massachussetts Senator. Trainor states: "We were about 7 or 8,  and we'd just started a game of tetherball.    Suddenly there was Mrs. Kerry, telling Johnny he had to come home for dinner.    He wanted to keep playing,  but she insisted.    That's when he told her  'I hate you!' On top of that he started to cry." "Is this the man we want leading us in the fight against terror?" Racicot asked. Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   Rated Number One in car chase coverage! 5:29:55 PM    comment []

Cassandra Desecrates Book 'em, Dano! Arrest That Dictionary! In the wake of the infamous Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction, Congress set aside such petty matters as the War Against Terror, the gazillion dollar deficit and defending marriage,  to focus on the dangers of Howard Stern. Their swift response was HR 3717, the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004. The legislation would dramatically increase the fines for the transmission of "obscene, indecent, or profane" language on television or radio. Now, far be it from us to quibble, but the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "profane" as: 1 : to treat (something sacred) with abuse, irreverence, or contempt : DESECRATE 2 : to debase by a wrong, unworthy, or vulgar use That would pretty much shut down any comment, by anyone, on anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they meant something else. That doesn't change what the law says. And what is and what isn't "indecent"? Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   Never Offensive. 3:07:59 PM    comment []

Cassandra Recites Bush Approved Poetry Corner Decisivity  Two roads diverged within a wood I took the one I knew I should And rarely thought of it again I made the right decision then Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   The full spectrum of opinion, from Hannity to O'Reilly 12:39:13 PM    comment []

Cassandra Empathizes Hold On To Your Dreams Finally his time? For years George W Bush dreamed of being elected President. This November he might finally get his chance. Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   The network that thinks for you. 4:49:09 AM    comment []

Cassandra Boggles The Dale & Andrew Carnagie Course: How To Enrich Friends and Influence Nations (AP) A majority of people in Canada, Mexico and five European countries have an unfavorable view of the role that President Bush plays in world affairs, Associated Press polls found. Only in the United States did a majority of those questioned, 57 percent, have a positive view of President Bush's role. The AP polls were conducted by Ipsos, an international polling firm, in Britain, Canada, France, Italy, Germany, Mexico, Spain and the United States. Just over half in Mexico and Italy had a negative view of Mr. Bush's role. In Britain, the closest U.S. ally in the war in Iraq, and in Canada, two-thirds had a negative view." Cassandra is brought to you by FoxNews   We like him. 3:13:03 AM    comment []