In between Avon house calls...
I own guinea pigs. Afficianados call them cavies, from their genus name.
Last year I had two cavies, Norbert and Chewie-chewie. Both were fine boars. Norbert was plump and sassy. Chewie seemed like the intellectual type and didn't seem to mind Norbert's shows of dominance which mostly consisted of him mounting Chewie and thrusting his hips. Hot gay cavy sex, I guess.
I have an indoor cavy pen and an outdoor pen. The outdoor pen is large and sits open floored on the grass so they can graze. When they are in the outdoor pen, I need to be sure someone is watching them. The next door neighbors own a pitbull name Copper, and although I've been careful to cultivate a relationship with Copper (tossing copious amounts of milk bones over the fence in the hope she'll grow to like me), a big fat cavy would be a tasty snack. Cavies sleep and eat, and not much more.
One day Norbert and Chewie were grazing. I heard the phone ring and ran for the phone. My dog Sissy saw me fly into the house and snuck out to the pen and jumped inside. Sissy is a gentle and good dog, but those cavies made her jealous and her instincts kicked in. Sissy grabbed Chewie and started shaking her head wildly, then tossed Chewie into the air. I ran out of the house, smacked the dog, grabbed the cavy and ran to the bathroom to assess the damage. Chewie looked fine on the outside but he had internal damage. Nothing could be done for him. He died.
I felt guilty and heartbroken. I love my cavies. I was teaching them how to dance and nearly had them litter trained. Sissy slunk around the house like a dirty dog for days. Every time she'd approach the cavy cage, I'd shoot her looks like daggers and she would slink away. I made a better outdoor cage with a wire top so no animals could get inside. I felt guilty some more.
Norbert was lonely. At least he looked lonely. He laid around his cage on his side, a sad and broken cavy. His appetite wasn't affected, though.
I decided to find a friend for Norbert. The animal shelters always have many cavies who need homes. I found a big fat black and white sow with curly que hair. She had a stripe down her face like a skunk's tail. I named her Curly and introduced her to Norbert.
Norbert was in piggie heaven! I'm not kidding! I've never seen him act this way! He 'popcorned' for hours. Popcorning is when cavies jump up and down quickly. It's a sign of supreme cavy joy. He loved Curly! He didn't dominate her, and he didn't attempt hot cavy sex.
Three weeks later Curly woke up looking listless. She refused to eat and drink. She was huddled in one corner of the cage. Norbert wouldn't let me near her, he stretched his body around her and made a low and rumbling sound. I picked her up and she squealed. Not a happy pig.
I rushed her to the Animal Hospital. She was pregnant! In labor! And had a severe case of piggie toxemia. She died half an hour later. The vet was wonderful. He attempted CPR, but couldn't revive her. He said that she must have been quite pregnant when I brought her home from the shelter. She had two babies, but they died in utero.
I brought her body home wrapped in a towel and buried her and the babies under my macademia nut tree. It was a simple funeral. I don't know many funeral songs so I sang "Danny boy."
Norbert moped around for 24 hours. I was worried about him. This is one plump cavy and he would not eat. He stared outside the cage and cried. I picked him up and cuddled him for hours. He was limp and sad.
I brought another cavy home, another female. This one was shiny and small. She had three colors, white, red, and brown, in stripes on her body. A spritely cavy! She seemed a bit nervous when I placed her in the cage.
Norbert went insane over this piece of cavy eye candy! He mounted her immediately and would not leave her alone! She ran in circles, and Norber followed her in hot pursuit. She hid in the tube in the cage and would not come out.
Norbert strutted around the cage. It was the creepiest thing I have ever seen. He slung his body from side to side. He made his low rumbling sounds. He literally sashayed around. He looked like a lounge lizard. He leered at the opening to the tube. I was repulsed! Where did my cute cuddly cavy go?? He was replaced by the sex fiend from Vegas!
I packed Taffy up and returned her to the shelter. Thankfully Norbert is neutered.
I returned with yet another cavy, a sleek black fat sow with one swirl on her forhead. I named her Sheba. I popped her in with Norbert. She's bigger than he is, so he initially kept his distance with no domination activity, no popcorning, and no leering looks.
They've been happy for a year now, the kind of comfortable happiness that grows between old mates.
8:38:35 AM 
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