Quiet
I don't know my future. All I know is my past, all I know is I had one perfect day this lifetime, this weekend, one day that mean more to me than everything ever ever in my life next to the days of my children's births. I'm afraid I'll forget the details. I'm afraid I'll forget the way I couldn't sleep through the eve of my meeting, how I read a strange Swedish mystery book while lying on a futon in my sister's Manhattan apartment, how I wore a sweatshirt over my pajamas because I was cold, how her two dogs jumped on the futon to sleep with me. Animals always love me best. I read an entire book in one night and I can't tell you what happened other than the senseless murder of an elderly couple. My mind was on my own senseless life, rehearsing the things I would say, feeling the heat of two fat dogs, wishing I had an easier story to tell.
I don't want to forget a moment of it. So I'm writing down the roads I chose and hoping I can capture at least a stick-figure representation of a rich sunrise photograph. I don't know if I can share it yet. All I know is what happened, all I know is I can't move beyond it yet, I'm stuck in Saturday. I have to claw out and jump onto Friday this morning. It's my best friend Patrick's birthday, and I promised I would take him on a tour of all the haunted places of San Diego.
I said a prayer this morning. I asked the universe, God, my grandmother, anyone listening, if they could help me get through this, and help me find all the happiness in it, help me put away the terrifying memories from many years ago, help me figure out how I'm supposed to act now that I met my birth daughter and felt like a mother to her but she already has a mother. Help me figure it out. I can't do it myself.
5:13:50 AM 
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