Gather 'Round the Fire, Kids....
Note: I love telling stories out loud more than anything else in the world. This is the story that all the neighborhood kids request when they bring someone new over to hear a ghosty story. I didn't originate the basic story idea, I remember hearing this when I was a child in Girl Scouts (before I was kicked out, ha ha). I think it was especially funny then because our troop loved to make fun of the Boy Scouts, and my boys love this story because it's patently ridiculous and funny and rude and scary all at once! I've written this the same way I tell this, so it's more of an oral story rather than a written story, hope you enjoy it. Get yourself a group of happy kids and tell this story tonight! Remember to SCREAM at the end! Happy Halloween!
Once upon a time there was a lazy boy named Ralph. (if you are telling this story, pick the name of one of your listeners) Ralph was a Boy Scout. He wasn't a very good Boy Scout, though. He didn't like pitching tents, and he didn't like collecting firewood, and every time he had to hike in the woods with his troop he whined like a baby. Ralph never won one of those fancy merit badges like all the other Boy Scouts. He never had a chance because he was soooo lazy!
Now Ralph's sneakers were smelly. In fact, they were beyond smelly. When he took them off, his feet smelled like dirty diapers mixed with gasoline! Ick! So Ralph decided to enter the Boy Scout Smelly Sneaker Contest at the next campout. But even winning a smelly sneaker contest requires a little bit of work, and Ralph was lazy! He didn't bother to find the oldest, grossest sneakers he could find. He didn't even rub his feet with pickle juice and skunk cabbage before the contest! He didn't even get third prize.
Ralph was disappointed. Geeze. He had terrible smelly feet, and he still couldn't win a Boy Scout contest and get a badge. He didn't work harder, though, he just kept whining. The next year he was a little bit taller but just as lazy. He still didn't like pitching tent and making fires. His parents made him go to the campout again, and while all the other kids were busy collecting firewood, he sat on a log talking to himself under his breath.
"It's just not fair! I never win anything! I never get anything! I hate Boy Scouts!
Just then, he heard a croaking voice!
"Hey kid!"
Ralph looked around the woods but didn't see anyone.
"Hey, kid!!!" The voice croaked again.
This time Ralph saw a tiny man with long ugly fingers and a cowboy hat that covered his eyes standing behind a tree.
"Yeah?" said Ralph.
"You want to win that smelly feet contest?" The tiny man asked.
"More than anything!" said Ralph.
"I can help you, " the man said, "what will you give me if I tell you how you can win?"
Ralph dug in his pockets and pulled out the ten dollar bill his mom gave him before the campout. Ralph was supposed to give the money to the Boy Scout Leader to pay for food and marshmallows, but Ralph kept it for himself instead. Ralph handed it to the tiny man.
"Listen to me," said the man, then he put a small bottle into Ralph's hand. "This bottle contains the scrapings from the feet of all the past smelly sneaker contest winners, plus a magic ingredient. If you place three drops on each foot, your feet will smell worse than anything in the whole world. You'll win that contest, kid. Thanks for the ten bucks."
The man walked back into the woods and Ralph stared at the vial. He open it....slowly....and nearly passed out from the stench! It smelled like dirty diapers plus pickled juice plus skunk cabbage plus Boy Scout Leader farts plus dog farts plus old old grumpy man farts! Ewwwwwwwwwwww!
"Whoa!!!" said Ralph. He dripped three drops on each foot and shoved them back into his sneakers. He couldn't wait for the contest that night!
Finally the contest began. Ralph stood last in line. He knew he had everyone beat. When it was his turn, he sat on a log and removed his sneakers.
The first judge was the assistant scout master. He was new and young. He never judged a smelly sneaker contest before. He approached Ralph's sneakers. From more than a yard away, he began to barf.
The second judge was a Scout Master. He was a judge the year before, when Ralph didn't win. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose, and waved away Ralph's sneakers.
The third judge, the Official Boy Scout Grand Poobah, took a deep breath and smelled and yelled "Whoaaaaa Baby!" and awarded Ralph First Prize!
Ralph was thrilled! He finally won a Boy Scout contest! He would get the smelly sneaker merit badge!
Ralph couldn't wait to get home and show his parents his badge. He didn't wash his feet that night. He wanted his dad to get a good whiff of his smelly feet. Plus he was dang lazy. The next day he walked home.
He walked, right foot, left foot, wearing those smelly championship sneakers, ones you could smell from afar. Right foot, left foot.
Ralph was a good long way from home when his left foot started to itch something awful right around his toes, but Ralph did not stop to scratch. He went on and on.
The more he walked, the more he itched. His feet itched like crazy! It must be those drops, he thought.
Finally Ralph was home! What a relief! He got home, untied his sneakers, took them off, and discovered that...............
HIS
FEET
WERE
GONE!
11:53:49 AM 
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