Full-on
I am in the middle of an unexpected ice storm. Mental ice, depressive hail, the kind that leaves you stuck in one place, unable to thaw, unable to take just one small step toward mankind. It's not like me to feel this way, to let these impressions move through me like neutrino rain. I lost my stop sign.
I know the cause. Sure, everyone does. It's chicken pox and sinus infections and days home from elementary school and waiting for college acceptance and rejections, all those things you live through your children. It's that plus Patrick, the lack of Patrick, the way I spend each day forgetting he's dead.
My little boy thanked me six hundred times for his yesterday, for the crazy two cakes I created out of flour and hope, for the miniature R2D2 action figure. He never thanked me like that. So I still hang around here.
I woke up this morning with breath six ways, a spastic lung, more tears, nothing to hold me. And now the day ends and I know I live tonight, I live tomorrow, whatever tornados pass my way I will choose life. I always choose life. That's my nature.
7:34:37 PM 
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