Call of the Cellulite
Monday, monday, monday. It's almost Monday, order day, crazy day, the day I sit in front of this screen four hours and input lipstick after hand cream after eyeliner. Most orders look like this:
One lipstick, please, in Peach Wonder, the sale price Birdie, and one lip liner in Gold Coin - I read in Lucky magazine you could layer cools and warms, Birdie - and two of those hand creams, you know Birdie, the buy one get one free offer? Well, maybe I should get the Pinktastic instead of the Peach Wonder, what do you think, Birdie?
And I say Yes, of course, the buy one get one free, get that Pinktastic, tell them I got it covered, no problem, all that Avon for six dollars sixty-nine cents, and I make maybe two-fifty, three bucks on the deal, two hours discussion later.
My body is getting to old for this, too old for makeup indecision.
This afternoon one of my regular customers called. Her name is Bernice. She wears stripes, loves stripes, sports striped shirts in orange and brown tones, wears stacked heels in conservative black, likes a princess color on a shirt, talks softly, carefully, keeps her nails long and sharp and scarlet red. Sort of my basic opposite.
"Now Birdie, I have problems with my jowls." I pictured her with starched stripes, a wad of spearmint gum between her teeth and cheek. Her voice sounded wet, saturated, the kind of tone only dental work and Wrigleys can give.
"Jowls? Did you say jowls?" I almost started laughing, wondered if the jowls gave her the stuffed sound.
"You know, jowls. My neck. It looks like a fricken' Thanksgiving turkey." Bernice spoke with humor but I heard knives sharpening along her words, as if someone called attention to loose skin today, made Bernice uncomfortable, unhappy.
"Oh sure, jowls. Jowls. Got it. Jowls. What do you need, hon? Some of that Anew Clinical Line and Wrinkle Corrector?" I wondered if one little container could cover serious jowls. I tried to visualize her neck, but only saw stripes.
"Well. What about that Cellu-Sculpt? Or how about that new thing, what's it called? Lift and Tuck? Can you use those products on your neck? What's the actual difference in them?"
Ah crap. She stumped me there. I was wondering that myself. Cellu-Sculpt is for thighs. Lift and Tuck is for your butt and stomach. Why not use one product alone, smear it along every square hanging strip of skin? Does the Lift and Tuck truly contain only abdomen and ass tightening properties? I asked Bernice to hold on a moment, grabbed my Avon literature, tried to grab hold of something scientific, important, some fact she could use to set her jowls straight, but I only ended up questioning all of the Avon extreme makeover products.
"Geeze Bernice, I really don't know. My guess is you could use the Bust Sculpt if you wanted to as well. Maybe they stick the same stuff in each tube and label it differently?" I knew as I thought out loud I was shooting myself in the foot. No one wants an Avon Lady who doesn't know the beauty answers.
I left her hanging like her problem jowls, left her wondering why Avon sold us beauty by the body part. I told her I'd research it, get the straight poop, report on ingredients and scientific studies tomorrow.
8:33:41 PM 
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