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Yo! Watch Those Questions, Ya Moron!
Hey guys, it's Joey Stark
again, with tips for guys that guys can use. I'm going to skip right past the sports and
lifestyle crap today, and talk to you about the lay-dees. Don't tell me you
don't need my advice. You tell me you don't need my advice, I'm gonna have
to come over there and give you a severe ass kinking. What, you gonna listen
to me tell you about how it's a cool idea to wear a belt that matches your
shoes when you're going on a job interview, and then tell me you don't need
my advice on pulling babes? Oh sure, I hear ya, "Hey Joey, I can pull plenty
of babes on my own, thank you very much." Yeah, right pal, you can pull 'em,
but tell me how many you ever see a second time. That's what I thought.
You don't know how to
talk to girls, do you? Not after your first coupla pick up lines, like 'Your
legs must be tired, cause you've been running through my mind all night', or
'Heaven must be missing an angel, cause you sure got some great cans'. Okay,
guys, those are some excellent lines, but there's something more to the art of
conversation than that. See, after you got the honey chilling by your side,
you need to serve her some conversation along with those vodka tonics.
"Hey, Joey," I hear ya
sayin,
"in last weeks column you told me to get the chicks to be talkin' about
themselves". Okay, you retard, that's what I said, but not every question
will elicit the sort of response that you might want to hear when your hound
dog comes out to holler, if you know what I mean, and I think that you
probably don't. Elsewise, why would you even be reading Joey Stark's 'Advice For Guys'? Got
an answer for that one, smart guy?
So, like even more important
than the questions you might wanna ask to get a conversation progressing
towards the back of your van, are the questions that you don't want to ask
at all.
Believe me, this is important stuff I'm telling you here. I am the one writing the column, am I
not? And you're a bunch of loser schmucks. So here they are, to help you
bozos out, the top ten questions that you should never ask a babe when you're
trying to score on the first date. Or encounter, or whatever. How the hell
am I supposed to know?
10. Did you get those shoes at
Pay-less?
- Hey, she probably did. I dunno, you probably think you're
being complimentary about her thriftiness, but it just doesn't work. Who
knows why? You go down to Pay-less, and what do you see? Chicks.
9. If you're feeling too
stuffed, want me to eat that meatball for you? This will make a
girl feel like she's a big fat pig who shouldn't be shoving yet another
meatball into her goddamn mouth. I figure, just order some chicken wings for
yourself. You wanna get laid or what?
8. Ginger or Maryanne?
Everybody's got fantasies, which is what makes the 'who would you do' game
such a popular icebreaker in big groups. But it's surprising how many
chicks, once you're one on one, don't want to play unless you phrase it in a
'Brad Pitt vs. Tom Cruise' kinda format, and man, you don't even wanna go
there.
7. Which side of the family has
all the body hair? It's an interesting question, specially if your date
has one of those Italian like mustaches or something. Hey, my mother wasn't
ashamed of hers, but some girls may think you're examining them too closely.
Try looking at her tits instead.
6.
You know who's a world class cunt? This is one of those crazy chick
things. Like, hey, if you get in the good, this is a question you're gonna
be hearing from her with great regularity. Blab, blab, blab. Melanie is such a cunt, she won't stop talking bout her
hockey playing boyfriend who just happens to take all the cheap shots at all
the cheap slots? Oh man, understand it or not, you're gonna end up hating
this sort of talk, so why be the one to initiate it, if you know what I
mean.
5. Do you mind driving me to
your place if I get
too drunk to make it home? Of course she isn't going to mind, not if you
got some decent wheels, anyway. And you're showing what a
loser you are just by asking. Get the hell out of my face.
4. Did you just fart?
Let's look at this question logically. Most chicks are in denial about the
necessity of passing gas, unless of course they're already drunk, in which
case, what's your problem? And if it's just the two of you alone, you
already know the answer. So the best thing for you to say is 'nice one'.
3. Ever see the inside of a cat?
I don't know. It's the Venus and Mars thing all over again. Like she never
took high school biology -
give me a friggin' break. Just be glad that that she doesn't like to cut
things.
2. What'sa matter? You got your
period or something? Yeah, man, she does. If she's dissin' you, that's
probably what the problem is. So keep it in check, Mister Softee. If you
think you know, you know.
1. What the fuck did you do to
your hair? Bad move, guys, no matter how appropriate the question is.
This is one question that I've learned from experience is not going to
produce a satisfactory response. I mean, there could be a real funny story
where you both could get a good laugh, but forget about it.
Hey, I'm not trying to explain
the inexplicable here. That's already been done, back in my February column,
'Chicks Don't Make a Damn Bit of Sense'. I'm just passing on some tips
for guys that guys can use, so that maybe even a loser like you can get
lucky once in a while. Until next time, this is Joey Stark, keeping it real.
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