Well, I haven't either. But when I asked Blummy about the worst customer or place he's ever worked at, he got quiet and asked me, "You ever done a kosher party?"

I do have a friend who dances at bar/bat mitvahs. It's interesting 'cause he works during the week at the corporate headquarters of that ubiquitous coffee chain. Ya' know, the one that sits right across the street from every Banana Republic in Manhattan?

I guess I'm digressing, but I just think it's such a bizarre way to pay rent. He started doing it years ago when he first moved to New York. He used to go dancing at the same clubs where all the professional dancers go, and someone asked him if he wanted to start gigging with them.

So he's on the list for a bunch of different companies and they'll call him up to do a party. It's usually him and a few of girls. Big, blonde, busty types and a tall black man teaching little thirteen year-olds how to dance the Macarena. What a weird gig.

Anyways, when Blummy started talking about kosher parties, he got a little worked up. I have no clue what happened to the man, or how many kosher parties it took...but he was pissed. When he was done explaining it, he asked me to pause the disc and take a break. He then called the waitress over for another cappuccino.

I guess it must be bad. Four days later, I asked another waiter if he had ever worked a kosher party. He just started laughing. So here it is. Just try and read it in a Long Island accent to get the full Blummy effect.

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When I worked upstate during my time at the Culinary Institute, I had this girlfriend and we used to go out all the time; in the closets, smoke cigarettes; fool around and shit during work. This was a catering hall--banquets, bar mitvahs... shit like that.

We were doing a kosher party. Now anybody who does catering knows that kosher parties are the biggest pains in the ass on God's given Earth. So during the party things were going whack, and we were just like, "Forget it."

I'll be honest with you. I'm Jewish. So I have no problems with the jewish race, but kosher people...they're just very demanding with stupid illogical shit. With their plastic silverware, disgusting food...And orthodox Jews carry this culture and etiquette with them. They're extremely rude and, in a way, disgusting with their parties. The party I was working that day, the women were segregated from the men, and so their whole mindset was just fucked. There was no order whatsoever.

I mean, I didn't have to do anything. I gave up on them with the rest of the staff. And the people were just running around like animals, drinking out of each other's water glasses. It was just appalling.

What's wrong with a kosher party, you ask? First I'm not used to doing them. So it's a pain in the ass 'cause it's something new. Second of all, it's not rewarding 'cause they don't tip, and you break your ass ten fold when you do a kosher party. And everything is different. You go into the kosher kitchen, not the normal kitchen. You can't use the normal trays and water pitchers; you've got to use the kosher trays and water pitchers, which are always bigger or smaller sizes. We always run out of things we need 'cause we don't have everything, 'cause we don't do them often. So it's a real pain in the ass.

Nobody cares when kosher parties go on. The only people who really give a shit are the people collecting the check--the owners and investors. Otherwise, no one gives a shit. They're all rolling their eyes back during roll call, and all our focus is to get this crap over with.

I was twenty years-old and my girlfriend was nineteen. So fuck it. It was June. The weather was beautiful and we went outside to smoke a cigarette, and the OWNER catches us.

The owner never met me more than five times the whole two and a half years I was working there. He doesn't know me from a hole in the ground. Fires me AND my girlfriend. So I'm appalled by this 'cause I'm an excellent employee, besides my insubordination and drinking problems. Hey, I get the work done and I'm very good at what I do.

So I said, "Fuck this."

My girlfriend met me in the parking lot. I swung my car around the back of the third banquet hall where there was no party going on. I ganked (ganked meaning stealing) around six bottles. I took two Jack Daniels, some of that coconut rum, whatever that stuff is called Parrot Bay Coconut Rum. Some Captain Morgan. Seven and Seven, Gin. I took the lot and filled my trunk up. It was a lot 'cause I had alcohol for the rest of that summer.

I'm like, "Fuck you! You're gonna' fire me over a cigarette when I bust my ass for your piss pay? I'm walking out of here with the gold!"

1:04:22 AM     comment []