Spiritual abuse: My mom's story Mom had already left one spiritually destructive church, and thought she had finally found a spiritual home. The people were so friendly, the worship so alive and the Spirit seemed to be "moving" so strong. She was buzzing in this newfound "fellowship".
I had my suspicions, but I kept them to myself. She was so wrapped up in everything, it would have been like raining on her parade, so I brushed aside my concerns and decided I'd let her have her fun.
I should have clued in to what was really going on when I first visited the church one Sunday night. The sermon was nothing but a rehash of the same message I had heard regularly at my previous church: If things seem strange or wrong to you, it's because you're thinking with your "mind" and not listening to the Spirit. For years, that had been a staple teaching of the kind of charismatic Christianity of which I was part: Your mind is carnal, fleshly, so don't listen to it, and don't think that reasoning things through or working out things logically could get you anywhere; you had to listen to the Spirit, and not trust your corrupt mind. Whenever there was something you found hard to accept, that was the response: You can't accept it because your mind is trying to figure it out -- just let go and trust the Spirit.
For about two years, the only thing I would hear of that church was how wonderful it was, how much the Spirit "flowed," what glorious, uplifting times they had during their worship. Although I was a little skeptical, Mom never seemed anything but happy and content there.
Then, almost literally overnight, it all fell apart for her. I received a distraught email, followed by several phone calls, as Mom apparently woke up to what had happened to her over the previous two years. The occasion of her wake-up call was a telephone message from one of the pastors, a message of which she was the subject, but not the intended receiver. Without going into detail, the message she mistakenly received revealed the extent of the manipulation and control she was under. All of a sudden, the many doubts and fears she had suppressed about her involvement in this too-good-to-be-true "fellowship" were rising to the surface.
It was the beginning of a breakdown for her, from which she is still recovering -- despite an awful lot of healing -- almost two years later.
Spiritual abuse is subtle. Often, when you're in a spiritually abusive situation, you are blind to it. I have been in spiritually abusive situations myself (albeit milder than that Mom was in), and only long after have I been fully able to recognize what was really taking place.
Mom was oblivious to how she was being controlled. When she made that decision to break free, the many ways in which she was being manipulated and abused were suddenly abundantly clear to her. She had become part of what we'll call a "covenant relationship". (This was not the term used, but I am adopting it here to maintain some anonymity.) These relationships were encouraged to be unhealthily close, as this letter demonstrates:
Result of [covenant relationships]? Soul and spirit joined together, become one heart and mind ... amazing love for one another. Want to be together all the time, because God is more real when together and there is the comfort of God.
During the course of her involvement with this church, Mom was gradually discouraged from spending time with her own family. Her own daughter was a "negative influence" on her, supposedly, and she was cautioned and encouraged to stop spending so much time with her (including grandchildren). Her "covenant partner" would be there every time she turned around, intruding on every other relationship in her life. The literature she received encouraged this:
What are the bad things [about covenant relationships]?
...Provokes tremendous jealousy and opposition both among God's people and among principalities and powers.
...Totally overwhelming especially at first but doesn't seem to get a lot better
...You have to fight hard to concentrate on God ... you have to be very disciplined in your thoughts because the other person is in your face all the time spiritually.
....Can't sin. If you lie to other person or don't tell whole truth pain unbearable. Every little shadow on relationship gets a rebuke from God. Must be put right at once. Not always just a quick sorry God either! Some things you will have to work through. This can be frightening because you lose your fellowship with God as well.
What are the dangers?
...Dangers to existing relationships. Long term well established spiritual relationships will cope better because they are more stable. There has to be understanding on behalf of other relationships and the grace of God.
...God is a jealous God and He won't allow anything to come between Him and His children.
...You can lose your existing relationships, especially if they have been the conflicting type.
There were to be no secrets. It was right there in black and white: If you withheld information about sin in your life, the pain would become unbearable, even to the point of losing fellowship with God. But there was more:
It is a burden bearing relationship and as a result of this there is great pain. [A prophet in the church] said to say this:
DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS LEVEL OF PAIN? SOME PEOPLE CAN'T COPE AND HAVE HAD NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS. (I for one can totally understand that!!!) IT MAKES YOU TOTALLY DEPENDANT [sic] ON THE OTHER PERSON.
Long after Mom left "the fellowship," she was shocked to stumble upon these things in an old letter. (She had very little literature from the group, since they deliberately avoided letting copies of such things get circulated outside the walls of the church. They would photocopy only enough notes for one Bible study, for example, and then collect everything in at the end of each meeting.) The warnings were all there, clear as crystal. They had even acknowledged that their teachings had led people to breakdowns. Yet somehow at the time Mom didn't even see it. Spiritual abuse is subtle.
When Mom first contacted me, filled with trepidation and confused about what to do, I told her simply to turn round and run, and never look back. She wisely refused to be drawn back into a dialogue with the leaders of the church, despite their attempts to drag her back with the warning that she was "listening to Satan" and not the Spirit.
Words are powerful things. In a particular kind of charismatic subculture, the language of Satan and demons, the mind and the spirit, become instruments of control and bondage. The constant threat that you might just be unwittingly "listening to Satan," or paying too much attention to your mind and not enough to the Spirit, easily enslave people who are eager to serve God.
Sometimes you just gotta run. Thank God Mom had the courage to do that, and not look back.
Dave
1:35:03 AM 
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