I was wrong: God admits defeat and changes policy
Religion correspondent Chuck Wineguard reports.
In a shocking and unprecedented disclosure, God admitted the last two thousand years had been a major mistake. Stunned listeners to Rev. Donny Wellmore's Old-Time Bible Hour yesterday heard God confess: "I was wrong."
The spontaneous statement was God's first frank admission that salvation by grace was a failed policy.
"I've listened to the arguments on both sides," he said, "and I have to admit, the fundamentalists have convinced me. I'm not going to prevaricate about this: Grace was a disastrous idea, pure and simple. From now on there are going to be big changes."
This follows years of protest by fundamentalists against "greasy grace" and "easy believism," a storm that began brewing when God took the controversial decision to have his son, Jesus, bear the sins of the world. "It was a policy that never made sense," Rev. Wellmore told us. "It was the beginning of the slippery slope. It was obvious that pretty soon the kingdom of God was going to be overcrowded with sinners. It was no surprise to me that morality began to slide. I am glad God has had the integrity to admit defeat on the issue."
The changes are leaving some people disappointed, however. It is expected that several billion people, most of whom are already in heaven, will be sent packing after being told they no longer make the grade. Preparations are believed to be underway in hell to accommodate what is anticipated to be a mass exodus of sinners and heretics.
Meanwhile, close friends of Jesus are claiming he is not happy with this latest change of mind. "He's feeling pretty low right now," one angel, who preferred to remain anonymous, told us. "Now his father's going back to the old law-keeping policy, he's starting to wonder whether the crucifixion was all for nothing. Understandably, he's pretty pissed about it."
Others have allayed fears that Jesus will be made redundant, however. "There's still a place for Jesus," Rev. Wellmore assured listeners, "but as a great moral example rather than the all-forgiving, all-atoning saviour of yesteryear."
Excited seminary undergraduates in Louisville took to the streets yesterday afternoon to throw stones at passing sinners in celebration of the surprise decision. "This is a historic day," a young sophomore told us proudly as he ducked to avoid a flying rock, apparently aimed at a transsexual standing a few yards away.
Sales of Rev. Donny Wellmore's Every Day with Leviticus devotional are reported to have increased tenfold in the past twenty-four hours alone, although he dismisses cynical claims that a print-run of half-a-million copies was deliberately timed to coincide with the new policy.
