Sunday, January 23, 2005

Choppy water As I near the finish line of pregnancy, and therefore the starting gate of a whole new life, a new person, and an unknown road for me as mom to two, I am noticing that my life is getting, not tumultuous exactly, but definitely choppy. I am buffeted by currents that I don't see or feel coming, and my reactions (hormone-enhanced though they no doubt are) seem outsize, even alien, to my conscious brain. I've had churning in my friendships, my marriage, my dealings with my mom, Dido, almost everyone, it seems. I feel selfish, or self-protective, and then defensive about feeling so... But today was a great reminder to ride the waves with a little more confidence and equanimity. I went to a birthday party for a dear friend's child; she and I have been out of touch for some weeks, entirely due to my disappearing act, my immersion in all my own shit and my resulting inability to have a sense of perspective, humor, or anything else. And today was great. I loved my friend, Dido loved the party, we had a great time there, together, just hanging out with other folks, some we knew, most we didn't, just being on a warm Sunday, watching kids play, eating, relaxing, celebrating the happiest of the mundane. That's what parenting, at its best (at least for me) is all about. Not just letting go, but enjoying it--something I could never do before (and mostly don't do well.) But today was like a cold wave crashing over my head and letting me up with clear eyes. 9:45:46 PM     comment [] trackback []