<-- Previous Day    |     Next Day -->

	Sunday, August 1, 2004

Although I still don't have time to write much of any substance, I thought this letter from "Wistful" would be of interest.

I am currently in a stalemate situation with my husband over sex. I don't see the way out for us but have analyzed the differences between our relationship and a great sexual relationship I had to try to see what is going on. I have a theory but here are my stories first. I'm hoping this will help some guy with his wife.

I'll call the good sex boyfriend Russ. We went out for 2 1/2 years and had a rocky relationship but had sex at least once a day for 2 years. (By the way, I think I have a high sex drive, even after 2 kids).

My husband (who I'll call John) and I had a normal honeymoon period of 6 months, then he moved in and it went to hell. It's been 5 years of fighting and never spontaneous fun sex.

Here are some differences between them. Coincedentally, these are the behaviors that turn me off from my husband and make it almost impossible for me to have sex with him. Russ *never* did any of these things.

1. Had the expectation that I would not feel like having sex with him following the usual "wife doesn't want it" stereotype.

2. Made our sex life an issue and brings it up nastily in arguments.

3. Blamed me for our relationship being bad because we're not having sex.

4. Showed impatience, anger and intolerance over our sex life.

5. Punished me by withdrawing caring, affection, companionship and hope for a happy life together.

6. Made me having sex with him the proof that I love him, and punishing me by withdrawing if I don't.

Here's my prescription. If my husband could do the following things for a straight month, actually forever, it would erase my resentments and we could go to having a great sex life. The problem is, he doesn't trust me and couldn't do this for more than 3 days.

1. Be happy.

2. Care about health and appearance. Don't smoke and lose the 20 lb gut.

3. Be more interested in greeting and talking to wife than watching tv.

4. Be able to stand on own 2 feet as a fully functioning happy adult, not dependent on wife to have a happy life. Act like life is brimming with hope and possibility, have a relaxed, fun disposition, not dependent on having sex with wife to start living and being a happy person.

5. Never exhibit the problem behaviors of complaining, displaying anger, withdrawing, making wife prove her love, listed above.

Here are 2 sample scenarios, one of the guy I would have sex with, one of the current situation. This is me coming home to my husband who is a stay-at-home dad:

Good situation: I come in and husband smiles and is happy to see me, greets me, Hi honey, wonders about my day and tells me about his. He tells me cute stories of things the kids have done, or tells me how difficult they were and he needs some help. He has had a productive day either with friends or working on something or playing with kids. He has dreams for the future for himself, either as a better dad or going to school. He's lighthearted, happy, and fun to be around. We can hardly wait for the kids to go to bed so we can be together.

Real life: I come home, husband barely looks up from tv and mumbles hi. I instantly have kids and if I dare to ask about his day, get snapped at about how it sucked in some way. He helps with the kids and cleaning but we basically don't talk other than some gossip. I have to deal with him yelling at older kid and trying to get between them so she doesn't get too upset. I'm angry having to deal with his temper. If I bring it up, he'll start to blame me so we don't talk about it. We get the kids to bed and then it's me wondering if he's going to be angry and ignore me or if he's in a good mood. It's hard to tell, either way, he just watches tv and says nothing. I try to get to bed without having sex come up and get on with my life.

As I said, I don't have time to comment on this letter in detail, but I think Wistful's husband is depressed (a very common condition in stay-at-home parents of preschool children). Look particularly at #4 on her wistful "wish list."

What do you think?

10:16:00 AM    comments [] trackback []
_________________________



<-- Previous Day    |    Next Day -->

This Page was last updated: 1/6/09; 9:10:21 AM
Copyright 2009 Julia Grey
Theme Design by Bryan Bell