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	Thursday, September 30, 2004

Here are some excerpts from an article looking at several books on marital crisis in The High Hat

The Ties That Bind

American marriage in crisis

By Greg Hough

Dr. Stephen Mitchell's Can Love Last?: The Fate of Romance over Time was released posthumously in 2002 ... Expanding upon Freud’s observation that the concepts of love and desire seem to have a fundamental psychological incompatibility, Mitchell notes a "centrality of idealization" in the first flushes of romantic desire, which creates a bonding magic that brings people together, but is also one important cause of a relationship's fragility....

Mitchell invites couples that are unhappy in long-term relationships to question whether they are as unhappy as they think they are. He, like the other two authors reviewed here, is wary of any "grass is greener" thinking among those in marital crisis. Better first, he argues, to consider the possibilities of what one already has, seeking to discover (or rediscover) something essential and transformative. To give up without fully exploring those possibilities leaves one vulnerable to repeating similar self-defeating mind traps with future mates.

Exploring the transformational possibilities of a stuck marriage, Mitchell writes, takes at the least an understanding of the creative aspect of a relationship. He says that marriage ideally is a "sandcastle built for two," with the notion of "objective reality" accepted as a construction that can be molded and remolded:

We tend to assume that ordinary reality is factual and objective, which makes the transcendence that transforms the ordinary other into an object of desire a fantasy-driven illusion. But if ordinary reality no longer wears the mantle of objectivity, if ordinary reality is understood as a construction, useful for some purposes, useless for others, its transcendence in the creation of the desirable is not a contamination or masking of what is really there, but an alternative construction, a window into what is really there.

... As a respected Manhattan therapist, it's understandable that Mitchell would have an optimistic view of therapy as a way to help individuals free themselves from mental bondage. Trouble is, not all therapists — maybe not even the majority of them — have the combination of warmth, patience, wit and breadth of real-world intelligence that Mitchell seemed to possess. Going into therapy with one who was heretofore a stranger, having trusted only in the power of personal reference and/or advertising, can be a crapshoot, one that might leave those who try it ultimately worse off than they were before. ...

[In his 2003 book Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy, Dr. Joshua Coleman] draws from case histories of counseling patients who sought to stay together so their children might avoid financial hardship or a life with only one parent around at a time. He sees healthy possibilities in couples that make the choice to stay together, even if both partners in marriage realize that their romantic relationship is likely beyond repair. This is possible, he cautions, only by "changing whatever you have to change in yourself to be an effective and positive force in your kids' lives."

Coleman uses his counseling stories to spur the reader to self-inquiry, to make him answer for himself: How and when do you stay in a marriage because of the children? And how much of your own psychology is contributing to the difficulties in your marriage? He asks the reader to recognize that the fear one may have of changing "is almost always based on an irrational worry from childhood." ...

While time doesn't heal all, it creates the possibility for your marriage to change for the better. Divorce buries that possibility once and for all. … Sometimes, it really is a matter of hanging in there long enough of working on it until things change sufficiently so it’s manageable; your kids get older, your partner mellows out, you get a new perspective.

... While in verbal conflict with a partner, the goal should be "not getting defensive while your partner voices a complaint or criticism"; one should "avoid getting into who's right or wrong" during the discussion:

The goal isn't to win, it's to live your life in a way that isn't controlled or dominated by your partner's behavior. The issue is who you want to be in your marriage.

...  A reader favoring modest rhetorical eloquence may find something off-putting about Dr. Phil's best-selling 2000 book on marriage, Relationship Rescue. Like McGraw's other best sellers, it features a mass-marketed "in your face" machismo aimed at middle-of-the-roadsters unlikely to question the props he gives to the likes of God and Whitney Houston. Yet his communicative strategy is often successful....

Beyond the bravado, there are actually many points where Drs. McGraw, Coleman and Mitchell agree on the subject of an individual’s role in a marriage. Like Coleman, Dr. Phil tries to point the reader in the direction of a new perspective on fear, to rid one's mind of irrational "monsters in the dark" that may keep one from taking necessary positive steps; he also, like Coleman, makes the point that one's position in a marriage, no matter how seemingly painful and stuck, may well involve some personal "payoff" that makes change difficult. Along with Mitchell, McGraw places high priority on marriages "built on a solid underlying friendship." And like his colleagues, he makes the point that the best way for readers to help heal their marriages is by first being willing to deal with their own personal dysfunctions:

Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent force in your relationship. Your less than perfect relationship will no longer be a source of despair. It will be your opportunity to use your power. Problems truly are nothing more than opportunities to distinguish yourself. It is time to do just that. ...

You can no longer settle for living a second-class life with your partner. Ambivalence is no longer in your vocabulary. Passivity is no longer part of your behavioral repertoire, and hatefulness is no longer on your list of emotional choices. You must set the bar of excellence for yourself an unprecedented high level, and then with tenacious determination strive to leap over it. ...

Until you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror, until you can look your children in the eye and say I did everything I could to save this relationship and it could not be done, then you have not earned the right to quit.

Read more of Hough's article at The High Hat.

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