Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You

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	Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Passionate Marriage 2

Continuing the discussion from the first post on Passionate Marriage.

Although I was fascinated with Schnarch's presentation of his first couple, Karen and Ken, in his initial chapter ("Nobody's Ready For Marriage -- Marriage Makes You Ready For Marriage"), I was less than thrilled with the "case study" as a whole.

The first problem I had with presenting this case in the opening chapter was that they were already well along in their marital development, had been to one of Schnarch's weekend workshops, and they were both very willing to work on their sexual problems. However, leaving that aside, they did represent some very common concerns.

Karen and Ken are 53 and 57, respectively. They initially tried to solve their sexual problems via the "sensate focus" style of sexual therapy, a form that encourages you to concentratre almost exclusively on how your body is responding during sex in order to rediscover your physicality. Although the concept has some value in and of itself, and in certain situations the attention exercises can be practically curative, as Karen tells Schnarch, "it totally glossed over my problem."

Karen sounds like she wants everything out in the open once and for all. "I never want sex until we're actually doing it. I like the physical pleasure of touching and orgasm, but it's always a struggle for me. I went on estrogen last year, which helped my lubrication, but it did nothing for my desire. I even tried testosterone for six months but nothing happened so I stopped ... I envy how easily Ken gets aroused. He's a great lover. He's patient and he stays with me. If I get more erotic, he gets more aroused. I want to be aroused sooner, even before Ken actually touches me."

Ken and Karen have already made sexual progress, and their problem is far from being the one most readers of WYW are interested in. They have sex about once a week (most WYW readers have sex much less frequently), and Karen even gives Ken oral and gets on top once in a while. But Ken complains that sex is "routine," and Karen is troubled with intrusive (S&M) fantasies that she feels take her "away" from Ken during sex. She also has problems with her own body and self-image, saying, "I don't initiate now because I'm afraid of looking pathetic and fraudulent. Body-image -- being fat -- has always been a problem." (Karen isn't particularly fat today, but was very troubled by it when she was younger.) Schnarch asks her,

"Are you putting yourself down while you're having sex? Does it ever bother you that Ken gets more pleasure from your body than you do?"

"You're not just talking about sexuality! This is the story of my life. Everyone gets more pleasure from me than I do. That's starting to make me angry. I belong more to everyone else than to myself!"

Ken has self-image problems, too. For example, he is resisting Karen's suggestions that he pay more attention to his appearance, especially in regard to his clothes.

"I don't feel like a sexy man," Ken says defensively when he thinks it's his turn. "And I don't like pretending to be one."

Later, Ken also says, "I've always been afraid to draw attention to myself, in bed or out. It's just not me" and Schnarch suggests he is "tugging against the limits of [his] self-image leash."

As long as you dress down, you don't bump into your low self-esteem. ... Is refusing to wear nice clothing your way of defending yourself against pressure from Karen -- or a response to your anxieties and insecurities? If the clothes really feel phony to you, I hope you don't buy them. I never encourage anyone to sell themselves out."

This whole sidelight about Ken's unwillingness to update his wardrobe struck me as interesting because the way a man presents himself to the world -- and his wife -- is so important. If you concentrate too much on what you "aren't," you don't give yourself scope to be what your wife might find more desirable. Although you shouldn't (as Schnarch puts it) sell yourself out by putting on a totally fake persona (which you won't be able to sustain in the long term anyway), it's also important to stretch your boundaries and not sell yourself short.

Schnarch ends the first session with Ken and Karen by saying,

"You can get in bed as the person you know yourself to be or as who you'd like to be. That doesn't necessarily mean you're not being yourself. The process of becoming can lead you to act in ways that still exceed the limits of your self-image. In doing what we aspire to be, we become that person. But you decide."

I found Ken and Karen's verbally proficient, wide-open approach to therapy a little annoying. Not only were they fluent in session, they were fantastically successful in practice. I wondered more than once (and not only with Karen and Ken) whether the good doctor was "polishing" them as characters in his therapeutic dramas or using composite creations to demonstrate his points. However, there are many places in the book where his couples' problems ring very true indeed.

Karen and Ken move amazingly swiftly through their sexual paces (in just three days!), trying new things, sharing fantasies, even role-playing a "bar pickup" scene with each other. That is about as far as you can get from the situation of dealing with a reluctant wife (or husband), and their "progress" is so fantastic that Schnarch has to reassure us:

Does Ken and Karen's process seem remarkable? It's the kind of thing I've learned is possible from watching my clients do it. But it still amazes me every time it happens. And it happens frequently.

Well, good for you, doc.

But it's not likely to be that easy for most couples, especially in those situations where one partner is more interested in working on their issues than the other. And that's the biggest problem I had with this case study -- it was too perfect, too "amazing" to be entirely believable, and especially at the start, before Schnarch had developed his themes and concepts. Instead of being inspiring, it could actually depress or discourage the ordinary reader, who is likely to think: "That could NEVER happen with us!"

But even if you're convinced that Schnarch is peddling fairy-tales with "happy ever after" endings you could never achieve in your own marriage, there is still a lot of very interesting stuff to come.

Next time: False Expectations

6:15:31 PM

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More Runway Shots

Spring 2005 Ready-to-Wear (with my own nicknames):

Alexandre Herchcovitch Colorblind Maternity Wear	Alexandre Herchcovitch Spacey
A.F. Vandervorst Waltzing Matilda	A.F. Vandervorst Volksmarch
Hussein Chalayan Cubano Desert Boot	Anna Sui Ankle Bag

3:57:55 PM

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