October 2004
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31
Sep   Nov

Index to Posts
(by month)

I post everything to this page.
Subscribe or bookmark
individual subjects via the navigator links above.

Stories

If she doesn't want to
have sex with me,
Why Does She Masturbate?

Ten Ways To Be A Lover:
A Man Looks At Romance Novels

Lying and Power

Do Women Prefer Bad Boys?

Fiona's Story:
A Tale of Online Love

How A Nice Guy
Becomes a Dickhead
by "Steve"

ENTIRE STORY LIST


Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You:
Introduction
Disgust
Discomfort
Distraction
Insecurity
Anger
Fat Wars
Misunderstanding
Boredom
Infidelity
Technique
Motherhood
Aging and Depression
Bad Company
Childhood Abuse
Counseling
When To Split
Being the Hero of Your Own Life

What I'm Reading Today

Subject To Discussion:


Blogs and Websites



My Categories

The Nine Billion Links of God
Fashion Bashion
Bookmovision
The Ranticore
Why Your Wife Won't
Have Sex With You

	Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Although I was fascinated with Schnarch's presentation of his first couple, Karen and Ken, in his initial chapter ("Nobody's Ready For Marriage -- Marriage Makes You Ready For Marriage"), I was less than thrilled with the "case study" as a whole.

The first problem I had with presenting this case in the opening chapter was that they were already well along in their marital development, had been to one of Schnarch's weekend workshops, and they were both very willing to work on their sexual problems. However, leaving that aside, they did represent some very common concerns.

Karen and Ken are 53 and 57, respectively. They initially tried to solve their sexual problems via the "sensate focus" style of sexual therapy, a form that encourages you to concentratre almost exclusively on how your body is responding during sex in order to rediscover your physicality. Although the concept has some value in and of itself, and in certain situations the attention exercises can be practically curative, as Karen tells Schnarch, "it totally glossed over my problem."

Ken and Karen have already made sexual progress, and their problem is far from being the one most readers of WYW are interested in. They have sex about once a week (most WYW readers have sex much less frequently), and Karen even gives Ken oral and gets on top once in a while. But Ken complains that sex is "routine," and Karen is troubled with intrusive (S&M) fantasies that she feels take her "away" from Ken during sex. She also has problems with her own body and self-image, saying, "I don't initiate now because I'm afraid of looking pathetic and fraudulent. Body-image -- being fat -- has always been a problem." (Karen isn't particularly fat today, but was very troubled by it when she was younger.) Schnarch asks her,

Ken has self-image problems, too. For example, he is resisting Karen's suggestions that he pay more attention to his appearance, especially in regard to his clothes.

Later, Ken also says, "I've always been afraid to draw attention to myself, in bed or out. It's just not me" and Schnarch suggests he is "tugging against the limits of [his] self-image leash."

This whole sidelight about Ken's unwillingness to update his wardrobe struck me as interesting because the way a man presents himself to the world -- and his wife -- is so important. If you concentrate too much on what you "aren't," you don't give yourself scope to be what your wife might find more desirable. Although you shouldn't (as Schnarch puts it) sell yourself out by putting on a totally fake persona (which you won't be able to sustain in the long term anyway), it's also important to stretch your boundaries and not sell yourself short.

Schnarch ends the first session with Ken and Karen by saying,

I found Ken and Karen's verbally proficient, wide-open approach to therapy a little annoying. Not only were they fluent in session, they were fantastically successful in practice. I wondered more than once (and not only with Karen and Ken) whether the good doctor was "polishing" them as characters in his therapeutic dramas or using composite creations to demonstrate his points. However, there are many places in the book where his couples' problems ring very true indeed.

Karen and Ken move amazingly swiftly through their sexual paces (in just three days!), trying new things, sharing fantasies, even role-playing a "bar pickup" scene with each other. That is about as far as you can get from the situation of dealing with a reluctant wife (or husband), and their "progress" is so fantastic that Schnarch has to reassure us:

Does Ken and Karen's process seem remarkable? It's the kind of thing I've learned is possible from watching my clients do it. But it still amazes me every time it happens. And it happens frequently.

Well, good for you, doc.

But it's not likely to be that easy for most couples, especially in those situations where one partner is more interested in working on their issues than the other. And that's the biggest problem I had with this case study -- it was too perfect, too "amazing" to be entirely believable, and especially at the start, before Schnarch had developed his themes and concepts. Instead of being inspiring, it could actually depress or discourage the ordinary reader, who is likely to think: "That could NEVER happen with us!"

But even if you're convinced that Schnarch is peddling fairy-tales with "happy ever after" endings you could never achieve in your own marriage, there is still a lot of very interesting stuff to come.

Next time: False Expectations

6:15:31 PM    comments [] trackback []

Alexandre Herchcovitch Colorblind Maternity Wear	Alexandre Herchcovitch Spacey
A.F. Vandervorst Waltzing Matilda	A.F. Vandervorst Volksmarch
Hussein Chalayan Cubano Desert Boot	Anna Sui Ankle Bag

3:57:55 PM    comments [] trackback []

This Page was last updated: 1/6/09; 9:11:05 AM
Copyright 2009 Julia Grey
Theme Design by Bryan Bell