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	Friday, June 1, 2007

I don't really want to start regular blogging again -- it takes too much of a toll in many ways, but (visualize Al Pacino here) this email dragged me back in.

"Michael" wrote:

I discovered your blog this morning when I made a google search for "men sex reasonable expectations."

I want to give you a quick overview of who I am, but let me start with the issue that brought me here. I presume from the nature of your writing that I can be candid. I want my wife to give me a "real blowjob". In my mind this means that she provides oral contact and sufficient manipulation, manual, breast, or otherwise, that leads to my ejaculation. And this is to be done with a kind and loving attitude where it is clear to me that she wants to accomplish this activity leading to my desired outsome without expecting anything in return in the next few hours. In other words love me, satisfy me and let me be. You may rest assured that I will get to her later.

She claims that she never had orgasms like I give her. I now confess that I am presently aroused just by the simple clarity of stating exactly what I want. My question is whether or not that desire is reasonable. I can provide some background information if that helps. [Specific information redacted here.]

She is highly sexual, erotic, feminine, and appealing to me. There are a few negatives in her and my appearances but not strong ones. We are caucasian, middle class, highly intelligent, and moderately successful. [additional specifics redacted]

I have a good track record of satisfying her sexual needs and, as she puts it, waiting on her hand and foot and spoiling her terribly. We are in love, still mildly romantic on occasion, very busy, and stressed with financial difficulties ... and the joys and pressures of raising [children].

... I frequently spend considerible time and energy bringing her to substantial orgasm (the usual activity) using my hands, vibrators, tongue, and penis. A typical session leaves her spent and exhausted, having had all she can stand. I want some of this, too. I will confess that our lovemaking is not as frequent as when we first met. I also note that I don't need as many orgasms as she seems to. I am older, and have mild ED. Also, I am not as easy to bring to orgasm as she is. But it's not as if she really tries. I've discussed this with her before, and she says that her arms, hands, or mouth get too tired to bring me to completion. I believe the core issue is a lack of skill and practice on her part and a lack of desire to obtain it. She thinks that if I "boink" her and achieve a good orgasm, that should be sufficient. And most days (months really) I agree. I just want her to do the work sometimes, just like I do for her.

I believe it would take five to fifteen minutes to get me off. I don't mind performing some of the work myself, but want her to "find a way to get me off." To her credit she does a fine job sucking me and is willing to engage in several activities I find highly arousing, including the following: deep oral penetration, my ejaculation on her tongue and mouth, breasts, buttocks, etc., doggy style in which I fondle her anus and penetrate her anus with my thumb or finger, anal sex (not her favorite thing, but she tolerates it well and enjoys getting me aroused and off in this way), mild spanking, and good hard thrusting intercourse. In short, she is no prude. Perhaps my malady is that it is human nature (or maybe man's nature) to want what you can't get.

In any case, I feel this accurately and completely outlines my situation. I am curious to know if you have any thoughts or comments. My intent is not to tittilate, but rather to learn or discover. Let me know if you have any advice. I've considered just copying this text and printing it out for her to read. It may have the desired effect. I'm not sure. Any ideas?

Michael

I replied:

A desire, per se, is neither "reasonable" nor "unreasonable." It just is. We can't really fight them, tell them to go away, or pretend they don't exist. We can ask WHY we have a particular fantasy or dream and perhaps work on any underlying negative that we discover that way, which might in turn moderate the urgency of the desire, but in the end, the only thing we can do with our sexual needs is work out a way to achieve them or learn to live without.

I think you've got a couple of potential problems here. Demanding a particular attitude

And this is to be done with a kind and loving attitude where it is clear to me that she wants to accomplish this activity leading to my desired outcome

from someone who has already stated that she finds fellatio difficult or even painful, is iffy at best. Many women experience jaw cramping from keeping their mouths in a position that avoids scraping a man with their teeth, and just keeping your mouth wide OPEN, even if you move it periodically into different positions, for 5 or 10 minutes is problematic. Try it sometime.

Fellatio-related pain is particularly common in the case of larger penises. Ironically, being well-endowed helps a lot with being able to get a woman to orgasm via intercourse, but it makes it very difficult for her to give you a blow job, especially all the way to the end, when the stress and and strain can get pretty intense. It's another of those simple equations: if it hurts, you're not going to be happy doing it, and the more it distresses you, the less happy you'll be. There is only so much <a href="http://blogs.salon.com/0003935/stories/2004/08/12/discomfort.html">discomfort</a> that can be overcome by erotic thoughts of pleasing one's partner, and then you're going to want to quit. Again, just human nature.

(P.S. Larger penises also tend to be more susceptible to early age-related ED -- just what you wanted to hear, huh?)

Here's one possible scenario/outcome for you to consider, but not because I think it's inevitable: if, once you adequately convey your desire to your wife and she does attempt to fulfill this dream for you, the attitude may not be all you wish it to be, or the enthusiasm you want will be faked. The faking will be okay for you at the time of your sexual experience (since by definition you won't know), but how she really feels about the whole performance could have an effect on your relationship in general, and that effect MIGHT spill over into the other parts of your apparently damn good sexual relationship. So there is the possibility that you could get a...shall we say?...non-optimum trade-off.

Then again, you not getting your full service blow-job is already affecting your relationship. You seem to have a bit of resentment about how much effort it takes to give her orgasms, and how little it takes her to give you yours. It does seem unfair that women's sexual fulfillment requires so damn much work, and I can see how you'd want to "even the score" a bit. Little things like that, if you let yourself really start thinking about them, can leak a slow poison.

So it's important to really work out in your own mind, honestly, how important this particular act is to you (and why), because its fulfillment could cause problems in other aspects of your relationship -- but its lack of fulfillment could be a problem, too. Only you can decide which risk is more urgent. Please note that I say COULD in both cases, not WILL. Open communication -- even if it has to evolve over days, weeks or months -- can recover a multitude of missteps and misunderstandings. It won't change the physiology of the problem, but it can change the emotions.

I've considered just copying this text and printing it out for her to read.

I think that's a viable option, especially if you are beginning to resent her because you're not getting something that you consider very important. She needs to know that.

Let me know how it goes.

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