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Monday, January 12, 2009 |
I recently had occasion to watch a double episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, starring one of the right's most popular culture warriors, Chuck Norris (who, because he one of those "blacklisted" conservatives in Hollywood, is undoubtedly pining away in some empty-pooled residential motel, rubbing his pennies together and paring his cheese).
I don't know why we kept WTR on after it started one afternoon following something else Spouse was watching (I was only seeing it with half an eye and 1/4 of an ear, as I was on the laptop at the time), but after a while it developed into something so incredibly horrible that we couldn't look away. We had our own little Mystery Science Theater 3000 session.
I have never seen an episode of that show before, and I'm here to tell you that if this Very Special Twofer is any indication, it is a crapfest that surpasses all other crapfests in Television Land, past or present. And this is coming from someone who loved Flipper and The Flying Nun.
It wasn't just the music, nonsensically swelling to heroic proportions every few minutes (I was going, WTF? because these big orchestral hooteroos seemed to kick in almost randomly, but I gradually became aware that the Bonanza-style theme started blaring pretty much whenever Chuck Norris entered a scene). No, it wasn't just the music.
It was the AA sidekick character being made a fool of from the very first moment. Dimwit, Eyerolling Black Deputy wanted to "just talk it over" and politely beg the hostage-taking Bad Guys to surrender nicely -- and I'm asking myself, even given that this guy is supposed to be a liberal buffoon, what trained member of law enforcement would EVER be THAT lame? But clearly I was thinking too logically. DEBD was there simply so Walker could show him that only violent confrontation works).
It was the mystical presence of the Walker character's ancestor and present-day Walker's ability to sense his ghostly, haloed outline riding heroically up one ridge and down another (accompanied by loud Ponderosa music), and thus discover where said ancestor left a cache of treasure.
It was Walker reaching with his bare hand for a rattlesnake the Bad Guys threw into his truck, and thereby getting bit.*
It was the fever dream of his snakebite collapse in which he Got Some from the past life character of the insanely beautiful, flawlessly groomed, totally chilly and utterly inexpressive female law enforcement personage whom I gathered he was too honorable (or something) to do in the present day.**
It was his ancestor character having to leave the IBAFGTCAUIFLEP behind in classic Loner Cowboy style. "Please take me with you!" "I can't!"
It was... etc. etc. etc.
It was seriously, truck-pile-up disgusting. The whole exercise was expressly designed to showcase its faultless, macho, ass-kicking S*T*A*R. No surprise that it was executively produced by same. Dork.
* Hello? stop the truck, get out, and if you must, chase the snake out of the cab with something long and, you know, pole-like -- don't REACH OUT AND GRAB IT WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING. Okay, so the bad guys get away, at least you're not writhing in hilarious dramatic torment while they get away later!!!! And by the way, as long as we're on the subject, how in Pink Feather Boa Hell did the shambling villainous Bad Guys manage to so efficiently and safely handle that snake themselves? Dead-eye aim while pacing our hero's truck on a rutted dirt road, too.
**Perhaps her icy demeanor has something to do with his inability to fire her up today like he did back then. I got the idea that this episode constituted wish fulfillment for the fans. It wouldn't do to have Walker and Chill Pill actually hook up in the present day story line (removes the sexual tension, dontcha know, and it would also not be M.O.R.A.L), so they worked up this past-life narrative to give the followers of the series a thrill (I'm assuming the upstanding audience gave the previous-life Immorality a pass because Things Were Different Back Then for the rough and tumble heroes of those days).
But one does wonder what sort of person would take this shit seriously enough to watch it more than once. And whether this Very Special Toilet Flush hit any of them upside the head with the burning question: "Why the HELL am I watching this shit?"
1:26:13 PM
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