"Dennis" wrote to me in email: I am in a similar situation
as "Darby", i.e. my kids are the same age (actually I have 3 in stead
of 2) and my wife's libido is zero too - when we do "do it" it is about
once every two months or so. We don't have as much money, as I don't
make as much, but I do work five minutes away so I am there for my
family - my father was a traveling salesman and was not home very often
- I try not to replicate that.When we do talk about sexual
frequency (or the lack of it)she says that she is too tired; her sister
and her friends (who also have small kids) are the same way (or never
have sex at all). She also assures me it has nothing to do with me
technique or style-wise, etc. Your blog does have some
interesting suggestions - the body odor/farting issue is an important
observation and needing to get away from it all, say to a bed and
breakfast is a good suggestion as well. A contributing factor is that my wife is on Paxil; I know this has an effect. Finally,
I also think that our marriage has settled into a pattern in which my
wife is perfectly comfortable. One of my problems is that I try to
avoid conflict at all costs and I think if I move my wife out of her
"comfort zone" it will cause of great conflict. My question is: how do you break the routine? You
are looking at your wife as if she and her emotions are chess pieces
you could move around on a board of your devising if you just knew the
rules of the game or the "tricks" to try. But the answer
is that you don't "move your wife out of her comfort zone," you move
yourself out of YOURS.
Your comfort zone is the one where you"avoid
conflict at all costs."
Maybe in some part of yourself you LIKE being a quiet, self-righteous
sufferer, clutching your virtue to your bosom and resentfully telling
yourself how your spouse is so awful to you, how her behavior or
personality limits you so fatally, how she makes it just impossible for you to...(fill in the blank). You break the marital routine by breaking your own routines, especially
the routines inside your head, the main one being the childish fantasy
that if the other person would just straighten up and fly right
--"flying right" defined as behaving in consonance with your pleasure
-- you would finally be happy in your life. Meanwhile, YOU don't have
to do squat. You can wash your lily-pure hands of the whole thing and
sit back, secure in the knowledge that The Problem of the Marriage is
the other person and their failings.
Cushy gig, huh? Being
afraid to cause conflict is a big part of the problem, of course. But
you also don't want to just go out and start breaking things before you
know who you really are, what you really want and the right way to get
it.
So ask yourself (ideally you'll sit down and write the answers, or at least make a few notes to yourself): What kind of man are you? What kind of man would you like to be? What is the most ideal man you COULD be? How did you get to where you are and who you are today? What is your family and romantic history? How would your enemies turn your life story into a movie?
How could you turn your story into an uplifting
movie, with the happiest ending possible? (No fair saying "a fairy
godfather makes me rich" -- the story has to be driven by YOU and your
character.) That imaginary movie is your personal myth, the one you'll base your ethics and behavior on in the future. But
be careful: you don't explore your history, your "story so far," to make
yourself unhappy or to give yourself excuses for failure, you're
looking for (a) the real, live truth about yourself -- as brutal or
ugly as it might be -- and (b) the basis for your future story, the one
in which you become your best possible self. The one in which you
become a Hero. The Heroic You is defined from within, by examining your own reality, not by comparison to other people. So
you don't say to yourself, "I'm okay because other people are worse."
But you also don't say, "I'm terrible because other people are so much
better." You don't restrict your adult self, going forward, to what Mommy or Daddy did/didn't do to shape -- or "ruin" -- you. You don't define yourself by what other people might think of you. You don't define yourself by what other people will "let" you do. You don't define yourself by measures like how much you have, how you got it, what you can't get, why you're not able to get it, or
what other people won't give you. This
is dangerous territory, of course. When you first start thinking in
this new groove, of your
new self, emotionally independent of others' opinions or demands, it
will be tempting to believe that you can chuck realities you don't want
to face and dismiss responsibilities that you think are interfering
with
your ability to Be All You Can Be. But the inconvenient thing about
being a hero is that they always fulfill their commitments in life, one
way or the other. Dealing with their their personal demons and their
tough situations -- in a forthright, proactive way (not just suffering
through them) -- is what MAKES them heroes.
Heroism starts within you. It's not a product
of your situation, your opportunities, or the people you have to deal
with. It's inner strength and quiet assurance without any taint of
"Look how much I saaaacrifice! Look how much I suuuuffer!" Wanting
people to notice
how good you are, demanding to be admired or rewarded because you're
Such A Nice Guy (or having tantrums to make sure
they know you're baaaad) are some of the ways you enslave
yourself to them.
12:37:59 PM 
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