Okay, then. If someone has had anti-sex culutral conditioning
hammered into their heads all their life, what's your prescription for
counter conditioning?
Sure as hell not by going straight at it, hammering "casual" hardcore
at them like a bull in a sex shop! All that sets up is resistance and
disgust and anger. Sheesh. I don't think you've ever tried this at
home, Roy.
One thing for sure. Acceptance and semi-internallization of the
adverse culture by the guy (or gal as the case may be) will NOT work.
So, how do you set up a strong pro-sex culture in an anti-sex household.
Gradually. Little by little. Sensual before sexual. Get your partner to accept one small
erotic pleasure freely, then another one. Have her look at another
woman's pretty naked body briefly, don't stick a beaver shot in her
face first thing. You CAN seduce an anti-sex person over to the Sweet
side, as long as you take your time and OBSERVE and EMPATHIZE and have
patience.
And as long as you are really doing it for them and not primarily just for yourself, which is a hard thing to get hold of sometimes.
You know what the real secret is? PAY ATTENTION. Really believe that
your partner is important and beautiful and worthy of pleasure as a
person.
Oh, and be sure to laugh a little, too. Very relaxing.
Julia Grey • 11/15/03; 7:31:03 PM
My answer to 90% percent of the women being talked about in this thread, if they are acting is accurate is
See you later....
Simply because I don't believe that what you are telling these men is
either accurate or true based on my having talked to men that are going
thru this. From watching the relationships linger when the man should
have just given her two words...those two words being "See Ya".
I have watched several male friends go thru the councillng, the trying
to talk, one even went so far as to openly having an affair to try to
get his wife's attention. He ended up divorced when he realized that
the problem wasn't him but her.
I have another friend who is now divorced. His wife, flat out told him
that she would not allow him to do things that would cause her to
orgasm. At one point, (this is out of her mouth) she was on top, riding
him, digging around in her purse because she wanted to be distracted so
that she would not have a orgasm from him. She would tease, do strips
in front of him, was actually masturbating both offline and online in
front of him.
He finally got his divorce, but he will be years trusting another
woman. He will be years getting over what SHE did to his self esteem.
He was paying attention, he went to the councilling, he tried to talk with her. She withheld sex, used sex to control.
Now, my advice to most of the men here is to get while the getting is good. There is no reason to beat a dead horse.
Lynn • 11/15/03; 7:48:59 PM
alyssa ettinge wrote: seriously, does anyone have the right to do this?
it's one thing if you think your wife is having an affair... but she's
masturbating. it's normal, it's natural, it's part of her sexual life.
personally, i think ricky is threatened by the fact that his wife can
satisfy herself. after all, if she can do that why would she need him?
i'm not a shrink, but it seems fairly obvious. **
no ricky doesn't have the right to do that, but he's clearly desperate
for information. it doesn't make it right but i can see where he's
coming from.
i would agree that masturbating is normal. so would ricky. BUT THE WIFE
IS LYING ABOUT IT. BLATANTLY. she's not saying "i don't want to talk
about it" or "back off" or "later" but out and out lying. seriously, is
THAT ok?
Brandon, it might help them if Ricky can acknowledge what's going on below the surface.
WHY is he so "crushed" and distraught by his wife's perfectly normal
resort to masturbation that he resorts to such sordid behavior?
Especially given that he says they're still having sex.
It's because he is feeling unloved, and because he is feeling unloved
he becomes concerned with power issues. He has to acknowledge that he
is ON THE WRONG TRACK by making this issue adversarial and making
demands for information that he (and you, apparently) believe he has a
right to.
This entire matter reminds me of a letter I received back in March,
regarding a woman's attempts to find out about/put a stop to her
HUSBAND'S private pleasures (he was masturbating to porno magazines and
she was having conniptions). In both cases, the spouse is attempting to
exert control, and the other spouse understandably resents it and
resists.
Yes, this couple needs to talk. However, being confrontational about it
and DEMANDING certain kinds of communication is going to do no good at
all. Since this is a blog advising men what THEY can do to overcome
their problems in this realm, Ricky needs to know that taking the
attitude that he's taking is not only be useless, but might actually
precipitate a worsening of his sexual situation.
If a guy is driving himself over a cliff, I'm going to yell at him to
put on the brakes, not distract him by politely pointing out that his
passenger might also have tampered with the engine back at the last
rest stop. He can deal with the passenger's possible malfeasance once
he's hauled himself back from the brink.
Ooops, sorry for the repost of your reply Julia. it's late and the commenting system is suddenly confusing to me!
>Brandon, it might help them if Ricky can acknowledge what's going on below the surface.
> WHY is he so "crushed" and distraught by his wife's perfectly
normal resort to masturbation that he resorts to such sordid behavior?
Especially given that he says they're still having sex.
Maybe because she's lying about it? Maybe because even though they have
sex, she is clearly trying to control him? Maybe because even though
they have sex, she doesn't share her sexuality with him? Hey, some of
this might indeed by Ricky's fault. But her response is extremely
childish
> It's because he is feeling unloved, and because he is feeling
unloved he becomes concerned with power issues. He has to acknowledge
that he is ON THE WRONG TRACK by making this issue adversarial and
making demands for information that he (and you, apparently) believe he
has a right to.
ah, so lying is perfectly ok?
>Yes, this couple needs to talk. However, being confrontational about it
and DEMANDING certain kinds of communication is going to do no good at
all.
where doe sit say that he is demanding?
>Since this is a blog advising men what THEY can do to overcome their
problems in this realm, Ricky needs to know that taking the attitude
that he's taking is not only be useless, but might actually precipitate
a worsening of his sexual situation.
I see your point here, but rather than blaming him, you might want to encourage him to talk to his wife.
>She is NOT withholding sex.
she most certainly is!
>Ricky says they're still having sex.
under her conditions and control.
>He's dissatisfied because she is not responding the way he wants her to.
ricky himself said the deceit is most painful. and christ all he wants
to do is give his wife an orgasm. is that so wrong? i'll cheerfully
admit he seems to be going about it in the wrong way, but ultimately it
just sounds like he wants to have sex with wife and wants to help her
enjoy it.
>She's not coming, and she's not letting him do things that might
make her come. He's unhappy because she won't let him do the things to
her body that he wants to do or fondle the parts he wants to fondle.
>I don't understand why people are not able to see why his fixation on
what he is not getting from her (including her confession) isn't a
major attitudinal problem, one that he should be working on. What good
will it do him for us to say, "Yes, Ricky, you poor thing, you're so
misused, your wife is just a bad, bad woman."
nobody said that. ricky clearly has issue and i can agree that he
should focus on himself a bit. but to condemn the guy for waiting to
sexually please his wife is...insane and dismiss his despair about his
wife lying to him is extremely narrow minded.
>On the other hand, re-examining his own contributions to her insecurity
and distrust, looking at the way his feelings toward her have become
distorted by his own insecurity and power-seeking CAN help him -- and
her, too, eventually.
he contribute to her insecuity and distrust? if so, how?
>Being encouraged by random internet personalities to see the problem as
"Poor Ricky" tells him he essentially, ultimately has little
responsibility for it, and the corollary is that it's also something he
can't do much about.
again, nobody said "poor ricky" everyone seems to agree that they
both have problems. My issue is with blatant fact of her lying, his
recording of her, and her insistance on controlling what happens during
sex and your condeming of him for the way he feels. Julia, the guy's
wife is lying to him and playing with his head (and not in a good way).
His feeling are understandable, as are his actions in taping her.
His feeling are understandable, as are his actions in taping her.
Understandable, yes, but not right. And, as I said, those actions also illustrate what the main problem is.
ricky himself said the deceit is most painful. and christ all he wants to do is give his wife an orgasm. is that so wrong?
WHY does he want to give her an orgasm? So that he can say to himself, "I DID IT! I made her come!"
Many men see sex as conquest and the woman's orgasm as "proof" that
they succeeded in getting control over her. That is one reason why they
are so obsessed with "making her come," "making her lose control," "driving her out of her mind," and so on.
Many women, especially when they are angry at a man, see sex as being
conquered, and they will resist men's efforts to gain "proof of
manhood" or "proof of conquest" from their orgasms. They'll try instead
to maintain autonomy, to hold their sexual feelings and reactions out
of their husbands' reach.
Yes, these are bad attitudes. Terrible attitudes. They're sick and neurotic.
But they excuse nothing. Ricky doesn't get a pass because his wife
doesn't want to give in to his need for conquest. She feels that she is
defending herself by keeping him at arm's length physically and emotionally. It may not be conscious, but that is what she is doing.
Are there women who try their own conquest games?
Yes. When they are insecure in a relationship, everyone, male and female, looks for power wherever and however they can.
Should men respond to overt power plays from their wives as Ricky's
wife is responding to his? (She's abandoning the relationship, as Lynn
advises, without actually walking out the door.)
NO.
Once a relationship has gotten into power struggle mode, there's only
one way to get out of the death spiral: somebody has to stop. Somebody
has to be an adult and admit some very painful things to themselves.
One of the things people have to admit to themselves is that when
they're scared and feeling unloved, their minds go into power mode at
warp drive. But the only response power mode gets from other people is
DEFENSE. Defense looks for any possible advantage, hiding place, or
push back.
Hence a woman's unwillingness to permit anything that would "invade"
her emotional or social space. Letting a man have the triumphant
pleasure of "making her come" is NOT what a woman wants to do under
those circumstances. Maintaining her privacy and retaining orgasmic
autonomy prevents that.
Ricky doesn't like being "deceived" because it's another illustration
of his powerlessness over his wife. When she lies it tells him he not
only can't make her love him, he can't make her accept an orgasm from
him, and he can't even make her tell him the truth.
He needs to face the fact that he won't EVER get those powers over
other human beings if they are not willing to give them to him. Sure,
by putting a tape recorder in a drawer he can make her admit that she
masturbated one time, but he can't make her be HONEST with him in the
broader sense, as one loving adult has to be with another. That's what
he really wants, not just her admission that she's masturbating
regularly.
So how DO you get another human being to be honest with you? How do you induce them to even WANT to be honest?
Julia Grey • 11/16/03; 12:12:45 PM
I just realized that my attempt to link the blog post in March that
concerned the letter I received about a woman's attempt to stop her
HUSBAND'S masturbation to pornography didn't go through.
I think everyone reading this discussion will find it interesting, so here's another try:
It is late so please forgive any typos in advance.
To me, and this is my personal opinion, any woman that would do what
Ricky's wife is doing is the same as cheating. I am not going to
apologize for this remark. She, in her whatever you want to call this
relationship with her vibrator, is deprieving her husband of the very
thing that we are being told is a woman's right to have.
The right to feel loved, wanted, safe, and secure. So either way, the male is the one that is suffering.
What say you all?
Lynn • 11/16/03; 9:19:13 PM
Julia asks
>So how DO you get another human being to be honest with you? How do you induce them to even WANT to be honest?
Ok, Julia, I'll bite. How? I expect you'll tell me that the best way to
get them to be honest is to BE honest. (Reminds me of telling my child
that "The best way to have a friend is to BE a friend). Okay, I'm
honest with my wife. I tell her things like, "I got a massage the other
day and it made me feel profoundly sad because I realized that I
haven't been touched by you in months." To which she responded with a
blank stare and no change in her behavior toward me. My honesty is met
by her indifference. Not by honesty in return. Was I being manipulative
in telling her that? To the extent that I wanted SOME sort of reaction,
yes. I'm thinking that Roy's idea about masturbating in bed next to her
is not that misguided. I don't think I'll do the online pornography
thing, however, as my wife thinks that there's fewer things more evil
than the objectification of women.
Harry • 11/17/03; 5:49:12 AM
My two cents worth to you Harry, and the other men here....
Be honest, be brutually honest. Because if that doesn't shake the
foundation then nothing will and you have basically three options left.
Get a divorce.
Stay and be miserable the rest of your lives.
Stay and take a lover on the side to get what you are not getting at home.
Lynn • 11/17/03; 6:59:08 AM
I expect you'll tell me that the best way to get them to be honest is to BE honest.
Why, yes. But the person you need to be honest with first is YOURSELF.
You are obsessed, Harry. Whenever you think of your wife, you think
only of what you are not getting from her, what she's holding back.
She's not really a person to you any more, she's your enemy, the Keeper
of the Pussy. Her very presence in a room leads you to think only of
your resentments, your anger, your deprivation and her selfishness. You
don't love her; you don't even like her. And she knows that, believe me. She can't trust you with her body or her emotions as a result.
Was I being manipulative in telling her that? To the extent that I wanted SOME sort of reaction, yes.
She's gone into a defensive mode so guarded she won't even let herself
react to your reproaches. (Notice that this is still about what you
want from her. You want REACTIONS if you can't get anything else.)
I'm thinking that Roy's idea about masturbating in bed next to her is not that misguided.
She probably won't outwardly react when you do that, either. Except maybe by packing her bag. Maybe that's what you really want?
And you are WALLOWING in your suffering, Harry. You seem to almost
enjoy this position of being the righteous man downtrodden by his
cruel, cruel wife. Why?
It's my judgment (but remember, this isn't the Church of Julia) that
you're depressed and fixated and overwhelmed with hostility and
unhappiness. Ultimately, your wife does not want to have sex with you
because, frankly, you are not attractive to her when you are in that mood.
Get help.
Julia Grey • 11/17/03; 7:40:57 AM
Julia: you wrote: 'Many men see sex as conquest and the woman's orgasm
as "proof" that they succeeded in getting control over her. That is one
reason why they are so obsessed with "making her come," "making her
lose control," "driving her out of her mind," and so on.'
I have no doubt that this is true. But this is not an attitude that is
wholly invented by men. Women play a role in the development of this
attitude, especially in the last few decades, when women have been
overtly demanding that men make extra efforts to satisfy women, as well
as themselves, in bed.
And why do you voice such suspicion of men who want to satisfy their
partners? Is this not a visible improvement over the days when women
who wanted and enjoyed sex were looked down on as sluts?
If I want to satisfy a woman in bed, much of my motives will be purely
selfish: I find female orgasms to be a major turn-on; I want to feel
like this woman, whom I would at least like very much if I'm even
considering getting naked with her, is really getting something out of
it; I make an effort for her in the hope that she will return the
favor; and I don't want the experience to be ruined by a lot of
complaints that I didn't "hold up my end." Sure, I'm selfish, but since
when was sexual desire totally devoid of selfish needs or motives?
Raging Bee • 11/17/03; 10:15:04 AM
Seems like the Comments section is acting up...I made a reply and it
didn't show up. I'll try again.
Julia: I'll admit I'm depressed and yes, probably obsessed, but I think
if you sat me and my wife down, you'd find out that maybe she
intentionally misled me to commit, by masquerading as a woman with a
normal libido, then showing me how wrong I was after it was too late. I
may be wallowing in my suffering but I do not enjoy this...I would
prefer to have a normal, even a couple of times a month, sex-life, but
will probably never get that, unless, as Lynn suggests, I find a lover
on the side. Still, life is not so bad as to subject my children to
divorce. Yes, always the stoic martyr, I will stay where I am, hope for
the best, and expect the worst. Still, I do enjoy your writing, Julia,
and the ever volatile comments section.
By the way, exactly what kind of help do you think I need?
Harry • 11/17/03; 11:33:11 AM
Ok there it is again. Harry mentions--- subjecting my children to
divorce ---. Both men and women seem to stick it out through thick and
thin for the children. How do you weigh in on this approach Julia?
Fellow commenters? Is it a selfish excuse? Or a nobel cause?
Familyman • 11/17/03; 1:25:18 PM
It is a excuse. The adults are not showing the children a normal
relationship. The children also feel the tension and the upset and this
can affect them in many ways.
I come from a divorced home, and I made it very plain to my father that I wish he had done it way before he did.
Children will be affected by divorce, but that can be worked thru. A
lifetime of growing up in a non loving household is a different matter.
Lynn • 11/17/03; 2:09:53 PM
So Julia, I think we are in need of some of your profound wisdom here.
You have told Harry all the things that he is doing wrong. I have been
in Harry's shoes before. We were not married, it in fact happened some
time after we moved in together, so it was a similar situation to some
of the married people on here in any case.
It got to the point that I really did resent her. I resented the fact
that she wouldn't let me please her, I resented the fact that she would
not respond to my sexual overtures the way that she had in the past. I
felt Exactly the way Harry did, that she had masqueraded as a woman
with a normal libido in the beginning just to lure me in, and then shut
it off when she was comfortable. It was more than about sex, she would
not respond to my attempts to be intimate anymore. When I say
"intimate", I mean mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I was damn well secure in my belief that I was the downtrodden, abused,
deceived man. I had no idea what I had done wrong, it seemed to me that
I had treated her great throughout the relationship.
That relationship is long over, and now I find myself in another long
term relationship that may indeed go far. What can I do if this one
gets to that point, if resentment is the norm? What can I do when I
start to see the tide moving in that direction to reverse it?
What can Harry do?
Maybe it'll be painful, but it doesn't matter, it can't hurt more, it
can't be more exasperating, it can't be more frustrating, than to have
to go through the agonizing process of watching the woman you love go
cold and distant.
Jason • 11/17/03; 4:26:18 PM
Actually, I don't care if one or both masturbate. I do know that if you
go through life fearful that every misstep will alienate other people,
you might as well give it up now. It looks like a perpetual lose/lose
deal here, which is why - however dull Ricky seems - it looks like he
will be wrong for a couple of years at best. So the question is does he
want to hang and MAYBE things will get better or does he want to split
and write this off as a bad match. It IS a bad match.
Roy Kay • 11/17/03; 5:49:54 PM
Thanks, Jason, for asking some of the questions I didn't get around to
asking. And Lynn, it's not that the kids are growing up in a
"non-loving household." My wife and I are upbeat and energetic people.
I keep the bedroom problems in the bedroom. Sure, we don't kiss and hug
as much as the average couple, perhaps, but we do kiss and hug in their
presence. The resentment I have for her is kept buried. I dig it up for
purposes of discussion on this list, when I'm doing laundry (I've
always been particularly insightful and philosophical during
laundry-time, for some odd reason), and when I'm talking to two very
close friends. It used to come out during discussions with my wife, but
I realized quickly that it was not helping matters. The face I show my
wife is one of patient understanding, non-demanding, non-sexual me. It
seems to work okay for both of us. Hey, she even gave me an unsolicited
hug last night. Woo hoo!
Harry • 11/18/03; 4:54:24 AM
Harry, if you think for one minute that your children don't feel the tension, you are deluding yourself.
It doesn't matter what face you show your wife, they know. Believe me.
They might not know what to call it, but they are very highly aware
that it is there.
Lynn • 11/18/03; 5:14:01 AM
Divorce IS an option, certainly. Sometimes things are just too Fido Uniform to fix.
But I also believe too many people give up on situations like this too
quickly, and go straight from "not knowing what to do" to "busting out"
because it seems easier and quicker, and appeals to our desire for
"freedom," not because it's the right thing to do.
Children adapt to divorce, yes. But they also adapt to "tense"
households. As long as there is not outright violence
or screaming neglect, they manage. Conventional wisdom on this point
tends to be a bit overdramatic and caters very much to troubled adults'
wish to believe that they don't have to work things out.
But I'm going to have to put off talking about specific suggestions for
overcoming the Resentment Rodeo for the time being because I'm on a
massive project with a Friday deadline and I'm STUCK. Sometimes
sticking places like this suddenly unfreeze and "write themselves," but
I'm not going to count on it. If I end up have to slog it out inch by
inch, I may not be back until Friday afternoon.
Meanwhile, though, you might want to take a look at a book by Peter D. Kramer called Should You Leave? Very interesting even if you aren't in a relationship dilemma!
Confidential to Harry: the help I (a non-medico, remember) think you need is a course of anti-depressants and some brief,
forward-looking, action-oriented individual therapy. Try not to sign on
with a therapist who will encourage you to look backward and feel sorry
for yourself. No "in depth" psychotherapy, I beg you! (The hug is a
good sign. Hang in there.)
See you on the front page Friday.
Julia Grey • 11/18/03; 7:43:11 AM
Lynn, I think you're overgeneralizing from your experience as a child
of divorce. Mine was different. I was that selfish and self-centered
child who really didn't have a clue that anyone was unhappy with the
marriage until my parents separated. And when they separated, I didn't
want my father released from an unhappy marriage; I wanted him back.
And even though they did their best to have a civil divorce, I found
their conflict more visible to me when they were in separate households
having to still work out issues of child support and kids than when
they were in the same house trying to keep us out of it.
Mind you, I'm not saying my life was ruined by divorce, or that there's
nothing more terrible than a broken home. I adjusted, still have a good
relationship with both my parents, etc. And, among my friends whose
parents have divorced, I've known a lot of different reactions: relief
at the divorce, taking it for granted because of being too young to
remember anything different, unhappiness at the divorce. But, I feel as
if we've moved from a time when people were told to stay together for
the sake of the kids to a time when people are told to break up for the
sake of the kids, and that's too glib. Julia's right that kids can
adjust to tension as well as to divorce, and that sometime's it's easy
when you're in a situation like this to give up too quickly.
Unless a marriage puts one spouse or the kids in physical danger,
unless it involves violence or addiction or criminal activity, no one
outside that marriage has any business telling either spouse to leave.
There are other reasons, of course, that the people who are actually in
the marriage may decide to go, but not other reasons someone else
should say that to them. Whether it's conservatives dumping on Hilary
Clinton for putting up with infidelity (which she'd be entitled to
divorce over, but is also entitled to not find worthy of divorce), or
you telling Harry divorce is better than the tension in his marriage,
it's wrong. A marriage can have things seriously wrong with it (no sex,
infidelity, various kinds of lousy treatment of each other), and still
be worth saving, as long as the people actually in the marriage want to
save it, and aren't endangering anyone's physical safety by trying.
Both parties in this scenario are acting badly and are manipulating
each other. They both need to admit this to themselves and each other,
or they're not getting anywhere. A sad state but perhaps much to common.
Julia writes:
> (but remember, this isn't the Church of Julia)
I've found reading this blog very helpful, as it presents a brutally
frank point of view that doesn't get around much on the 'net (more
Barely Legal Teens, anyone?). However, today was the first time that
I've delved into the comments section, and I have to say that this
section at least does appear to be the Church of Julia - this is the
way it is, and if you present a differing opinion, you're most likely
wrong.
For example, consider "Most men see sex as conquest and the woman's
orgasm as "proof" that they succeeded in getting control over her." How
do you know that it's this way for "most men"? There are plenty of men
who act poorly like this, but there are also plenty of us who view sex
in a very different way, one that is more about love and surrender than
control (yes, surrender to your partner, rather than controling them).
Female orgasms aren't about power and control to me. Maybe they are
from a Marxist viewpoint, but then everything is about power from a
Marxist viewpoint.
I started reading your blog because it was an excellent subject with a
refreshing point of view. I suggest that your blog would be even better
if you kept a more open mind in the comments section. Education by
presenting your argument is usualy more successful than by refuting
differing points of view. Opening people's eyes is, IMHO, more
important and effective than convincing them that you're right.
That said, I still very much appreciate your efforts and your blog; many thanks. Kudos for taking on such an issue.
Doug • 1/4/04; 8:41:04 AM
I came here to try to find advice on helping my wife work through her issues about oral sex.
And I wont be back for any of this ill advice.
Julia - you need to NOT advise people to take pshyco-active drugs you
know nothing about. Period. This is irresponsible and foolish on your
part.
Further more - your comment: "Most men see sex as conquest and the
woman's orgasm as "proof" that they succeeded in getting control over
her." is short-siighted and offensive. This is the type of comment one
would expect to hear from a 'man-hater'. Lumping all men (or most at
least) into a single category, and then painting them all with the
'selfish jerk even if they don't know it themselves' brush.
You clearly have very little insight into the true male psyche, and
have garnered your wisdom from outdated, woman-power, books from the
60's.
For shame.
Why don't you try to walk a mile in a man's shoes one day and see how
it feels?
Because you wouldn't be able to expouse your flawed logic and
misunderstanding of why men do the things we do.
Most men, in fact, want nothing more than (as Doug said) to surrender
their machismo to the woman they love. This idea of conquest and making
a woman come so you can say or think "I did it!" is a woman's idea of
how the world works; not a man's. No man who is being honest with you
feels that way except rapists and guys with serious masculinity
problems. My assumption is that you think this way because you have
never learned any different.
Well, now you have, so please, I implore you, try to open your mind,
expand your understanding, stop being prejudiced, and update your
thinking on men, women, and sexuality. Get out of the 60's. You can no
more label 'most men' as conquesting dick-heads, than I can label 'most
women' as controlling bitches.
-Z
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Zark • 8/2/04; 5:49:10 PM
You can no more label 'most men' as conquesting dick-heads, than I can label 'most women' as controlling bitches.
Okay, I have to reply because this misquote is getting out of hand. I
said "MANY" men, NOT "most," derive sexual satisfaction from a sense of
control/conquest over their partners' responses.
And if you think it is only "rapists" who have a visceral need for
dominance, control or power, YOU are the one who's out of touch, not
only with men but with human beings in general.
I have been amazed, not so much by the instant assumption that my
reference to "many" actually meant "most" (or even "all"!) -- that's
par for this course -- but by the complete refusal of some to
acknowledge this normal and natural truth of many men's internal lives.
The FEELING is not immoral or "bad" (and as an enhancement to a
couple's love life can be really good) only what it might drive a man
to DO against his own best interests.
Witness the desperation of Ricky.
Alternatively, if you just can't accept it AS a truth, especially for
yourself, perhaps you could accept it as something your wife might be
thinking about you. How can you convince her that she's wrong about
you, that you really DON'T lust after sexual power and control? By
insisting it's Your Way or The Highway?
