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Technique August 7, 2003 I'm 22 years old, female, and bisexual. I have never had an orgasm which was not essentially produced by masturbation. I have only come in the presence of a partner twice. Even by myself with a vibrator it takes me about half an hour to climax. If I'm trying to do that with someone else around, it could take twice that long. (When I'm alone I often read erotic stories to fuel my fantasies, which helps, but is hard to do with someone else there.)
It's my feeling that if more women could more easily achieve orgasm,
there would be little need for this blog. But it's a fact of
physiological life that for many women, it really does take
extraordinary stimulation, and sometimes it simply seems to be not
worth the effort.
August 13, 2003 Just to get things underway, let me suggest a methodology that I enjoy. Standard disclaimers probably apply here more than ever, since this is just a statement of personal preferences and an outline of the things that turn ME on. They not only might not apply to your wife, they might be active turn-offs for all I know. But it can't hurt for you to at least consider trying this line of approach. Personally I've found that penetration immediately AFTER an orgasm, however that O is derived, is among the more sublime of sexual experiences. Standard pre-orgasmic intercourse is pleasant enough, of course, but it's finer by far after I've come, and my vaginal mini-orgasms during intercourse only happen after a regular, empty vagina clitoral orgasm. So what we like to do is a little foreplay (massages, breast play, experimentations, finger fun, etc., of which more later), a few minutes of full-on missionary intercourse to get us both really warmed to the task, then we pursue my orgasms (always multiple these days) and end with more (usually very enthusiastic) intercourse in a variety of positions until he lets himself go. I consider myself lucky in that I've always had very sensitive nipples, and we've found that the most effective route to my orgasm is to stimulate my nipple(s) and clitoris at the same time. This sets up a kind of feedback loop between breasts and groin that reinforces the buildup of pleasure. However, there are many women who derive relatively little sexual excitement from their breasts or nipples, and for them attempts at stimulation can sometimes be actively off-putting. Others only like it at particular points in the process, or only appreciate particular kinds of stimulation. For most of us who do like breast stimulation, sustained traction (sucking the nipple all the way up into your mouth and holding it there in a motionless vacuum force-field) is not particularly entrancing. Unvarying, repetitive action (rubbing the nipple monotonously back and forth in the same direction and with the same pressure, over and over, for example) is also problematic. Nerve endings become accustomed to any repeated stimulus and essentially stop firing. So periodically sliding a moving tongue over the very tip of a nipple can bring forth shivers of delight, but doggedly "nursing" away like a starved suckling pig is not only unlikely to get her very excited but could even get annoying. Vary the rhythm, the force, the location, the movement. Rough or gentle, hard or soft, the idea is to avoid getting in even a temporary rut, so you keep the synapses humming.
Yes, yes, yes to penetration after a clit orgasm. That was how I first learned what a vaginal orgasm was: that sublime throb of pleasure when he slipped in to the hilt after getting me off orally.Speaking of penetration, don't underestimate the hands as givers of sexual pleasure. Many guys confine themselves to a little diddle-diddle on the clit, followed by finger-fucking (but only one or two fingers, and not for very long) before moving on to the main event: Penis In Vagina. Or if they want to focus on her pleasure, they go down on her. Personally I've never been a huge fan of intensive finger work. It's nice for foreplay, but in my own case a little goes a long way. Too many men seem to think women should automatically get off on a lot of interior tickling because it thrills THEM. Catbird's enthusiasm for it is a perfect illustration of how we women differ in our responses to sexual stimuli. Not only from woman to woman, but from time to time in our own lives.
For many women the G-spot does not actually become "activated" until
they are really aroused (or, ideally, have actually had an orgasm), and
even then for most of us it's not the magic "come switch" it's
purported to be. It's more of a general area of Really, Really Good
Feelings inside. So it does exist, but if you've been looking for some
kind of instaneous Bingo Button without success, you might want to
rethink what it is you're actually seeking.
Men's fascination with the very IDEA of vibrators felt creepy to me. "Hey, look!" I thought I could hear them thinking, "Here's a machine I can use to make a woman come in thirty seconds flat! No more muss! No more fuss! I won't have to do anything but buzz her up, and then I'm IN!" And let's face it, that perception contains some truth. Modern men don't want to be selfish boors in bed. They want to provide an orgasm or two to please their partners AND themselves. But to provide one the old-fashioned way is sometimes difficult and uncertain. With the Original Orgasm Maker (by Ronco!) all difficulty and uncertainty are things of the past. This handy-dandy little device makes Os a breeze! It slices, it shreds, it chops, it... oops, wrong commercial. Someone I quoted in email much earlier in the blog noted that using a vibrator might make some men lazy and complacent. They might be tempted to give up engaging in "ordinary" sexual interaction and immediately reach for the vibrator every time. It could reinforce some men's idea that simply achieving the "goal" of orgasm is more important than the process of getting there. After all, a man might reason, if the vibrator gives reliable pleasure and gets me to the Main Event sooner, why not use it? I can understand this outlook and even sympathize with it. Because of the relative ease with which they achieve it, most men come to understand orgasm as THE reason for having sex. For the vast majority of them, sex without orgasm is pointless. Worse, when a man can't achieve orgasm the experience of sex is literally painful. Or disappointing, or enraging, or humiliating...you name the negative emotion or sensation, it's in there. So men sometimes find it hard to understand why women tend not to be interested, or are even hostile to the idea of getting Os in the speediest, most efficent way possible. When considering the use of vibrator with my husband I was also disturbed by something more subtle. It's hard to describe, but it was very much a part of the entire sex toys debate inside my head, so I have to try. I felt that he wanted to use these devices ON me in a detached and voyeuristic way, to move away from me as a person and wife, and observe my responses to a machine the way he'd observe a woman in a porn magazine. Part of the thrill for him, I suspected, would be the ability to "make" my body respond in some kind of automatic fashion that I couldn't control. This was during our sexually distrustful phase, so I didn't want to be poked with a fake silicone penis if it would give him that kind of distanced, power-trippy, perverse thrill. Later, I was willing to experiment, but to tell you the truth, I still don't care for vibrators. The pleasure they give is very nice in its way, but psychologically, down under the physical response, I still distrust them and the detached, gee-whiz charge they might give my husband. It's not that I don't want him to get a kick, but I worry about that kind of kick. Even for the sweetest, most honorable men in the world the buzz of using a machine on a woman to "make" her feel a sexual response might be just a hair over that very fine psychological line between exploitation and mutual enjoyment. Yes, this is arguably a stupid and paranoid way of looking at the matter. So I guess you could say I, Julia Grey, fearless purveyor of sexual advice, have a Real Live Hangup. Mibad.
There are certainly those kinds of cock rings out there. Any search for images will produce a lot of grotesque contraptions, virtually guaranteed to make forty-something suburban women like myself turn pale with horror. So it's no wonder that the very idea of a cock ring has acquired ugly or snicker-worthy overtones in the popular imagination. I even hesitated to bring the subject up in this blog because of those jaw-dropping associations. But you need honesty on this subject, so I'm going to take a deep breath and tell you about a particular kind of cock ring that we found worthwhile. What my husband found for us (I'm too hopelessly middle class and prissy to enjoy a visit to the sex shop myself) was a super soft, super stretchy silicone thing something like this:
Warning: the packaging of these things is inevitably ridiculous and embarrassing. There are usually pictures of pink Pornobabes and/or beige Pornostuds behaving in some peculiar manner or (worse) disembodied erect penii sporting the contents of the package, accompanied by insanely stupid glow-in-the-dark, disco-era lettering proclaiming things like "Hit Her Hot Spot!" "Clit Nudger!" and the like. It's not just the cheap leering of the copy I hate, it's the outdated, winky-winky smarm of the whole merchandising aesthetic. Ugh. Your wife probably won't like it either, so my advice is to extract the useful item and throw out the trashy packaging before you show it to her. Notice that this particular kind of cock ring is very low tech. It doesn't have any vibrators, anal probes, buzzers, flashing lights, belt buckles, leather straps, bells, whistles or spinning mirror balls. Its sole reason for being is to provide soft, squidgy clitoral stimulation during intercourse, because many women's anatomy makes "hitting her hot spot" difficult. Although there are some techniques of position and thrust that can address the clitoris more directly during "missionary" sex, those positions/methods can also be uncomfortable for some women (putting too much stress on the perineum or rectum, for example) AND requiring strength and effort that some men find difficult to sustain. So it is very helpful to have a more direct kind of "clit nudger" at the base of your penis that will provide some extra stimulation in the more ordinary way of doing business. As a bonus, this stretchy type of cock ring can also be an aid to men who want to sustain a harder erection longer (you put it on after you're hard).
Alas, that particular night was a peak experience that couldn't be
repeated in all its revelatory perfection (all the best experiences are
unique, almost by definition), but using the cock ring regularly did
make sex more pleasurable for me and increased my willingness, if only
because I am always seeking a repetition of that ideal Moment.
Let her breathe. Although some amount of asphyxia can be an enhancement to pleasure for some people, it probably isn't for your wife, especially when it is the involuntary variety. Keep most of your weight off her diaphragm by holding yourself up on your arms. This is really crucial for those of you who have a pot belly (or if she does), because pressure on the abdomen tends to press excess flesh upward toward the heart and lungs. You want her sex organs to become swollen and tight, not her bronchial tubes. Unless you and she are both fairly skinny, just holding yourself up on your elbows is probably not going to be enough. One excellent trick to help with this potential problem is to put a firmish pillow under your wife's bottom, so that her sex is tilted upward toward you (this can make clitoral contact easier, too, for some physiologies) and there can be a bigger gap between your chest and hers when you hold yourself up on your arms. (One of my silly little thrills in sex is to run my hands along my husband's triceps -- the muscles on the back of his arms -- because they're rock hard when he's holding himself up that way. Very manly-man and sexy.) Here's an interesting position you might want to try if your penis is long enough and your wife is not overendowed with ass. Start in reverse cowgirl (woman superior, facing away from the man) and then have her (very carefully and slowly, or you'll slip out!) lie back on your chest. You can then reach up and around her front to her breasts and her clit and bring her off while you're inside her. My husband tells me this is a great experience for him, and it was very nice for me, too. If you get a crick in your neck during cunnilingus because you're lying flat between her thighs and your head is tipped back too far, try pulling her bottom to the edge of the bed and kneeling in front of her, so that you can address the job more directly and there isn't so much reverse flex tension on your neck (this is good advice for women doing fellatio, too.) Doggy style might be more fun for her if you use a cock ring that can provide more stimulation to her labia and, directly or indirectly, the clitoris. Many women don't get as much physically out of doggie (although psychologically it can be very exciting) because their clitoris is so far away from the -- ahem -- seat of the action. I forget whether I mentioned the comical, mood-killing noises of vaginal flatulence earlier, but one way to avoid it is to minimize the number of times you pull your penis all the way out of the vagina in a given encounter. Each time you pull all the way out and then plunge back in, you're pressing air into the vaginal cavity, and eventually it's going to have to come back out again. You've probably heard a lot about how you're supposed to be all gentle and sensitive and everything, but for many women a little vehemence and "selfish" aggression are welcome at some point in the proceedings. Nobody likes to feel that their sexual responses are being observed dispassionately or that they are being stimulated in some remote, calculating fashion. Just as you would enjoy seeing your wife let herself go, most women prefer a man who isn't too controlled (or controlling) when he's having sex.
Me, I believe that women were designed to be on top. In that position, a woman can be very active if she wants and can, with a little practice, rub herself against you - the pubic areas line up so the male pubic bone is pressing the right female area - and thus get herself off in more ways than one. She can also get all the way down to feel full. From my point of view, being on top means I'm not using most of my body - my arms are holding me up. With her on top, I can use my hands, feel her body, massage her, etc. I have access to the curves of her side and back, which are hard to use well when I'm on top - and are the sexiest part of a woman. I also have access to breasts with hands and mouth - men on top always amused me because men are so attracted to breasts and then put them in position where the breasts are trapped under you. And breasts look better when they hang in the shape that attracts you rather than flattened out. I find I can do it harder and faster from the bottom, so I can be in control when I need to be - but we can share control. That makes each time different and means we don't get bored. Being on the bottom, I can use my legs to change the angle, increase the drive, etc. The only problems I have with reverse are it's not necessarily as intimate dealing with the back of her neck and that reaching around a woman to manipulate her is, well, a reach - unless she's very skinny or much smaller.
I would also say that being in decent shape really helps. If a guy has a big gut, then he has to find a position that allows him enough penetration (doggie?). If a guy isn't in shape, then he might not be able to do it right from the bottom. jonathank • 8/21/03; 10:16:10 AM
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