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How It All Goes Wrong
How It All Goes Wrong
In the comments on "Ricky's" situation (outlined in Lying and Power), "Jason" wrote:
It got to the point that I really did resent her. I resented the fact
that she wouldn't let me please her, I resented the fact that she would
not respond to my sexual overtures the way that she had in the past. I
felt Exactly the way Harry did, that she had masqueraded as a woman
with a normal libido in the beginning just to lure me in, and then shut
it off when she was comfortable.
While I'm sure evil genius females of this sort do exist out there,
the vast majority of us are just garden variety human beings whose
sociopathic behavior is limited to the shameless, lying that
gets us out of making cookies for the PTA bake sale.
Part of this common male suspicion about the dropoff in women's
interest in sex after marriage is because of men's misunderstanding of what
constitutes a "normal" female libido. They tend to measure sexual
desire's "normalcy" by the source, urgency and constancy of their own,
but that's a false yardstick when it comes to women.
And it is also absolutely true that many women's interest in sex does tend
to be greater when the relationship is new or when there is some
challenge in it, some "luring" or "amazing" of her partner still to be
done. It's more exciting and emotionally engaging for us that way. When
you take away the pursuit or "knockout" factor, some (or alot) of the
ooomph disappears. But it's just what happens, it's not a matter of
cold-blooded, nefarious plotting.
For most (although not all) men, their sexual drive comes mainly
from the gonads. It's a constant background simmer that needs little
impetus from relationship factors. So, as I like to put it, their
desire for their wives is about 75% physical and 25% emotionally
induced. For most women, it's the opposite. Their sexual desire is
prompted more by their relationship to a man and their emotional
excitement about him, and less by hormonal pressure. (Yes, yes, this is
all generalization. It's absolutely not
true for a certain percentage of men and women at both ends of a wide
spectrum, and more or less not true for others as you move inward, but
it is true enough of at least a huge plurality to be useful to us here.)
That's why it's so easy for so many women to be completely "turned
off" by a man who bores or angers them, and why so many of us can shut
down sexually altogether for years at a time: our gonads just don't
tend to scream at us for constant fulfillment the way yours do.
Jason continues:
I was damn well secure in my belief that I was the downtrodden, abused,
deceived man. I had no idea what I had done wrong, it seemed to me that
I had treated her great throughout the relationship.
One constant factor I've noticed from the men who've written to me
or who've talked to me over the years about this problem is that -- at
first, anyway -- they always insist that they are Princes. They have
"treated her great." They have provided their wives every possible
material thing their economic circumstances have allowed. Given that
most of the guys are generally pretty normal and decent human beings, I
always accept their belief that they'd always done their best. And then
I try to help them figure it out.
Again, I guess I need to reiterate that because I'm trying to help
guys figure out their missteps and problems, I'm not saying that women
are perfect and don't need to examine their own dumbassity. I'm not
saying that men are beasts and women are blameless. I'm only saying
that if you, as a man, want to solve your marital impasse, you can't
sit back and tell yourself that your wife has to fix herself and fly
right. Even if she is the main source of the problem, you still have to
do what YOU can do. Yes, it seems extremely unfair to have to do all
the work, but if you have a problem, you want to solve it, right?
Think of your wife's sexual interest in you after you get married
like a car windshield. With each spatter and bit of dirt thrown up from
the road of life, her view of you gets dimmer, uglier and less
interesting. The two major sources of road grime are Anger and
Boredom, although the other factors I've mentioned in this blog, like
Disgust and Distraction, etc. also play a role.
Here are some
questions you can ask yourself right now about the gradual buildup of
the anger factor:
* Are there things your wife has asked you to do (or not do) that you keep forgetting?
* Do you talk to her like she's a six-year-old? For example:
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Could you possibly be any dumber?"
"I've told you and told you...."
* Do you make "jokes" about her appearance or failings?
* Do your mother or siblings or friends almost always "win" when there is a conflict between them and her?
* Do you feel free to "vent" at her about your daily dissatisfactions and irritations?
* Do you ignore her or take her for granted?
* Do you repeatedly blame her for the children's behavior?
* Do you put her down in front of other people?
Remember, an angry woman is seldom a willing woman. You can't piss
her off all day and then expect her to fall into your arms when you get
into bed with her at night.
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