It's a White Trash Christmas
Dear Relative that I rarely speak to and who often makes me feel sick and superior simultaneously…Otherwise known as Aunt Helen:
Merry Frigging Christmas! This year has been a corker.
Little Bess lost her last baby tooth gnawing on a hubcap. Thank god for that! What 14 year old do you know who still has a baby tooth? We wrapped it in tinfoil to “keep out the voices” (oh that Bess!) and waited for the Tooth Fairy. Well, the tooth fairy left Bess a pair of knitted socks that look just like the ones you gave me for my Birthday!
Jeffrey posted bail just in time to see the Daytona Five Hundred. We haven’t heard from him since, but as you know, with Jeffrey, no news is good news! If he stops by, it’s best to just loan him money and let him crash for a night. Since I know you haven’t seen him since his last arraignment you’ll know him by the tattoo on his face, it says “Sit Here”. He’s such a card.
Dad had another finger amputated this year. It was a shock, but now his hands match. No more building birdhouses after a case of Busch Lite for him!
Mom had another giant mole removed. Before the doctor weighed it, he smacked it like he was spanking a new baby and yelled “Breathe!” Lord, didn’t we all laugh. Doc says the next mole is free.
Melissa and I are back having marital relations. We’re too modest to go into more details, but she’s not as dry as sawdust no more, and my winky doesn’t drip like a faucet too much now…if you get my drift.
Well, as you can see, we have truly been blessed. The lord has besieged a might bounty on our lifes. The truck is running great. We heard they finally fired that faggot teacher at the high school.
Long live president Bush, and Happy New Years Eve.
9:13:26 PM 
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