Sunday, March 25, 2007

As another military brat, I have a slightly skewed perspective on John and Elizabeth Edwards' decision to stay in the presidential race... Not only that, but my view is also colored by being the oldest sibling of a child who was killed when we were both very young, and seeing how that event tore my parents apart, both individually and as a married couple. One of the characteristics of a military brat is a greater personal sense of mission, at least as compared to civilians. Although it may not always be as visible as it is in Mrs. Edwards' case, that quality is there, in the guise of an internal voice/critic/editor evaluating your progress in determining and achieving your life's purpose. Does that sense of a personal quest come from being instilled by a sense of higher purpose, i.e., the military mission, or perhaps from the necessary sacrificies that all children in the military must face? Or does it stem from having already faced down her cancer, and seeing herself as a survivor, rather than a victim? Probably it's a combination of all of these factors, and then some; and that sense of quest isn't something you can (or would even want to) change about yourself. Of course, Mrs. Edwards wishes to help her husband be elected president, just as she also wishes to help the rest of us to accomplish that very same thing. From the beginning of their last campaign, I have been struck by how well the Edwardses complement one another. In spite of growing up in a family without the same means as his wife's, Edwards perhaps lived more of the American Dream (at least the military brat's version) than she did, and in spite of his tremendous material success, he has not forgotten from where he came. (Just try asking a military brat where s/he is from, and see how long an answer you receive.) Surely, that strength of both memory and place must be a legacy of his parents... and that is how he describes them. From his parents, he learned the actual emotional, ethical and financial equation of the American Dream. If you work hard, do the right thing, you can achieve your dreams. What a feat of both imagination and empathy it is, that Mr. Edwards recognizes that the dream his parents passed on to him no longer exists for way too many of America's families. How much more understandable it would have been (to his critics on both left and right) if he and his family had simply retired into their (much-discussed) new home, or had he at least invented a new narrative more in keeping with his financial status than his consistent tale of the inequality of our two Americas. As an officer's child, Mrs. Edwards would have had an opportunity to see more of the world from an advantaged perspective. Still, although such a life may sound (and sometimes actually be) a bit exciting, there is little in the civilian child's experience to compare with packing up and moving every year or two or three, just when you have begun to get the lay of the land, and often before. Even when a civilian child moves frequently, parents have usually made the decision without the benefit of "orders," and the move is not from one military post to another, from government housing to government housing. (What I wouldn't have given for an internet in those days! I completely understand Mrs. Edwards' devotion to her life online.) It is a further tribute to Mrs. Edwards' character and self-awareness that she appears to have such a devoted network of support. Military brats may begin acquaintanceships more easily than others, but establishing actual friendships is much more difficult in a life without enough time spent in one place to learn how such friendships work. When Mrs. Edwards and I were both growing up, military brats' childhoods were essentially sacrificed in many important ways... as part of the "mission" -- we had to win the Cold War -- ...in order that the rest of America's children could participate in what we once called The American Dream. There were some benefits, mostly ones that you only really appreciate when you are older, e.g, a broader vision of your place in the world. Less attached to a narrower geography, one might see one's self more as a citizen of the world. Clearly, Mrs. Edwards takes very seriously her own role in the much wider world. Let's respect Elizabeth Edwards for her choice to be a citizen of the world, even during a personal trial, without simultaneously criticizing her husband for following his ambition. True partners, they share their ambition, one that includes a better life for all of us. Who does not want our world to be improved, if not by Edwards' actual presidency, then by his irreplaceable voice in this race? [Disclosure: I'm still holding out for Gore, but Edwards is my second choice.] And what about Mrs. Edwards' role and voice in this campaign? Don't we all really want to see and hear her perspective on any of the issues that are important to her? For once, there seems to be a consensus among both the MSM and the liberal blogosphere that Mrs. Edwards is at once a class act and a warm and approachable human being. Let's also allow Mr. and Mrs. Edwards to know what is best for their children. I saw the life-long effects of my own parents' choices after my barely 7-yr-old sister died when I was 8. In withdrawing from their shock, they withdrew from the world, from each other, and by extension, from the rest of their children. There were still 4 more of us for awhile... and then 5. Perhaps my younger siblings were less so... but my parents and I were all well-isolated from what had happened. More recently, I have witnessed a beloved family lose their mother after 8 years of battling cancer, not by withdrawing from the world, but by expanding her circle of influence to include those who wished to support them, as well as their family, friends, church community, professional colleagues. She shared a lot of similar character traits with Elizabeth Edwards. My own mother's method of coping consisted mostly of depression... in all of its many forms. My father only became more silent and stern... and he already had something of a military personality. [How many of you grew up hearing your father say affirmative or negative, rather than just yes or no?] And he worked more, and was transferred more often, while my mother would sometimes move us nearer her family, until the next transfer. In order to imagine what my life-- and my siblings'-- might have been like if my mother had instead begun some sort of crusade to help others who had experienced such tragedy, or to keep it from happening to others, and if she and my father had been able to forge a stronger marriage, rather than merely allowing theirs to die, a day, a month, a year, an airbase, at a time, I have to imagine new parents. Granted, it is hardly fair to compare my parents, who had far fewer resources at their disposal, with the Edwardses who have had so many more (not least of which is a difference of 4 decades in which grief counseling has come into its own). Yet, the comparisons by those who have chosen to criticize the Edwards' choice are really projections of their own expectations of what a child's life experience should be. Speaking as another type of survivor myself: a child's life can only be more enhanced by parents who choose to live their lives simultaneously as broadly and deeply as possible. In mine and my siblings' case, we essentially were without the kind of nurturing, self-aware parents that a child would need in order to deal with a tragedy, given their inability to process their own grief, much less help the rest of us with ours. The Edwards' children, by contrast, are not going to lose either of their parents while they are still alive. 12:26:23 AM    humor me... ~~

© Copyright 2007 Karen Murphy. Last update: 4/15/2007; 3:33:53 AM.