Note: The letters of Belacqua Jones are reluctantly edited by Case Wagenvoord. Being that Mr. Jones writes his letters on used cocktail napkins from the Depot Stop Bar in Leonardo, NJ, this can be quite a challenge.
Dear George.
God bless you for being the first president visionary enough to realize that World Empire has been our destiny since Columbus first set foot on our hallowed shore! It’s been there from the beginning, George, but only you have had the divine insight to see it. God truly speaks to you.
But, George, it’s going to take more then the God’s will to make this work. It’s nuts ‘n bolts, George. You can’t have empire unless you understand the dynamic. And the dynamic, George, can be described in one word:
Constipation.
Show me a man whose gone two weeks without a movement and I’ll show you a mean mother who can off a third-world dictator or oppress an indigenous people without breaking a sweat.
It’s all documented, George, in Sir Arthur Sitsbalther’s seminal work The Iron Colon: Colonialism and Constipation is 15th Century Europe., published by Oxford University Press.
Here’s the gist: when Europe embarked upon its colonial expansion in the 15th Century, its diet was grain based. Meat was a rarity and fruits didn’t exist. These people were bound up and loaded for game. The rest, as they say, is history.
Now, here’s the rub. A gastrointestinal dialectic was at work here, George. As Europeans expanded into the more tropical climes, more fruit was introduced into their diet. More fruit, more regularity. And, George, the more regular a man is the softer he becomes, both figuratively and literally. And so we saw Europe decline in the 20th Century.
We get the same pattern with the Romans. Now there were Empire builders. Everywhere those guys went they took a stack of two-by-fours and a box of nails. Step out of line and they hung you out to dry. .
In the beginning, they traveled on bread and grain. It’s an established historical fact that the smallest structure in a Roman Army camp was the latrine. The average Legion could get by with a one-holer. The world never stood a chance.
But, what happened? The empire spread into the Middle East. Dates and figs entered the diet. And before you knew it, they had hordes of constipated barbarians pounding at the gates of Rome.
George, our greatness lies in our ability to learn from History. Tell Rummy to cancel the fruit, post haste. We’ve got to bind up our boys in the Armed Forces. We’ve got to close down the latrines, which only sap our nation’s strength. The divine will demands firmness of purpose and bowels. You can do it. .
Until next time, I remain:
Your drooling admirer,
Belacqua Jones
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1:55:21 PM 
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