Dear George,
I don’t give a damn what they say. Yours is a brilliant mind. So you are sure to seize on my win-win plan to jump-start the economy.
George, I am going to help you liberate the Social Security Trust Fund. Imagine the boon if these captive funds were allowed to return o the hallowed grounds of the free and open market place. Talk about trickle down….
Your magic wand for making the fund disappear is the lowly, much maligned cigarette. Here it is in a nutshell:
First, your administration announces a major initiative against lung cancer and other respiratory diseases associated with smoking. While a statistical correlation exists between the two, no one has isolated the chemical in the cigarette that is responsible for these disorders.
Next, appoint a blue-ribbon panel of distinguished scientists, who are heavily dependent on government grants, to investigate.
After a period of, say, six months, they issued their report. In effect they say, “Boy did science screw up! All of these respiratory problems are not caused by tobacco, but by a chemical in the cigarette paper. As a matter of fact we’ve discovered that tobacco, itself, is good for you. After all, tobacco is an herb, and everyone knows herbs are healthy.”
Allow thirty days for appearances sake, and then have the panel announce that they have come up with a formula for a safe, healthy cigarette paper.
At this time, they announce their break-through finding that the health benefits of tobacco are maximized when smoking is taken up before the onset of puberty. This is followed by a child-centered initiative: Ashtrays in Every Classroom.
Do you see where we’re going with this? Get the life expectancy in this country below 61.5 years and it’s open season on the Social Security Trust Fund because there’d be no one left to file.
It’s a sell-sell plan. The tobacco states would love you. And nothing warms the heart of a conservative more than state-induced suffering.
Your biggest challenge, here, will be to reposition lung cancer and other respiratory ailments. But, hell, George, if you sold Iraq you can sell cancer. Start with a media-blitz equating respiratory disorders with patriotism (Gasp for America). Fox News will be thrilled to take the lead in this.
Bono of U-2 is pliable. I’m sure he’d be glad to struggle for breath between stanzas. This would really sex up lung cancer. His cooperation would guarantee plenty of play-time on Clear Channel. Seeing the added exposure this garnered, other media stars would be quick to jump on the bandwagon.
Increased health costs? Cancel health coverage. Everyone knows health coverage increases life expectancy, which undermines the economic health of the nation. We’re talking about a strong America here. This requires sacrifice on the part of all red-blooded Americans. Patriots die young. Wimps want health insurance.
There it is George, your place in History. I know you can do it. And in doing it, America will continue to be the envy of the world.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
1:06:08 PM 
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