Dear George,
You recently said God called you to the presidency to resolve 9/11. Get the wax out, George. God has called you for greater things. He wants nothing less out of you than the establishment of a Christian theocracy. In big letters, George, God wants you to stomp secularism. Why else to you think Gibson’s “Passion” went to the top of the charts?
Late breaking developments give this mission a new urgency. Rummy’s Office of Special Plans (his designer intelligence agency) has hard data proving a link between bin Laden and the gay marriage movement.
This makes it imperative that that the Bible displaces the Constitution. National security demands it.
What about non-Christians? Look, the Christian message has been out there for 2,000 years. Anybody who hasn’t gotten it by now isn’t worth saving.
But—and this is a big, big but, George, we gotta tweak the New Testament, we gotta get our heads on straight about Jesus. The truth is Jesus was a kick-ass kind of guy. The Sermon on the Mount? Spin, pure spin. Jesus was scamming the Romans into believing he was a touchy-feely new-ager. We need a revised edition cutting out this love bullshit. We all know Jesus’ idea of a good time was wading into the temple and stomping money changers!
Finally, we could expedite the establishment of our theocracy by bringing back disembowelment. Especially if it’s on prime-time. I tell you, George, gut a couple of gays and repentance will spread across the land like a swarm of locusts.
In closing, never forget that piety peaks when the ego farts and the Soul thinks the Breath of the Spirit is upon it.
I see a golden age ahead, George! An age when Christianity becomes what it was intended to be: a gated, spiritual community.
Until the apocalypse, I remain:
Yours in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
Who died that we might be the greatest nation in the world,
Belacqua Jones
8:35:33 AM 
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