Dear George,
If there’s one thing you and I see eye-to-eye on, it’s that reality sucks! That’s why I love your Neocons—scratch one and you’ve got a menopausal Pollyanna. But sometimes we just gotta use the “r” word. And I’m afraid this is one of those times.
The truth is, George, that, poll-wise, the Iraq enterprise is sucking wind. I’m concerned that it could become a bit of an albatross. And while I realize that the chance of a fair election is nil to zip, I think the appearance of popularity is important if you hope to glom another win.
Here’s how I see it. The reason the pacification is taking such a beating is that it’s being handled by television news divisions. I know, television news gave up informing the public years ago. But people still think that what they see on the news is true in spite of Fox’s heroic efforts.
What we’ve got to do is get Iraq out of the News Division and into the Entertainment Division. In short, George, we’ve got to reposition the Iraq enterprise as Reality TV.
Here are some suggestions if you wanted to use a game-show theme:
The Iron Prisoner Triathlon: Prisoners compete in three events—Water Boarding (who can stay under the longest), Electrode Endurance (who can take the most voltage), and Stress Position Stamina (who can hold one the longest). The winner gets time off for good behavior. We could increase our share of the 18-28 year-old male demographic by including some young, nubile female prisoners—a sort of Abu Ghraib Baywatch.
Collateral Damage Derby: Five F-16s are given safe houses to level. When their missions are completed, teams rush in to evaluate the collateral damage. Scoring is as follows (the pilot with the lowest score wins): Males 14-65, zero points; the elderly, two points; females (unarmed), ten points; females (armed, including cooking utensils), zero points; children, 25 points; wedding parties, zero points (insurgents get married too). The winner gets a dinner date with Brittney Spears.
Minefield Mayhem: A gaggle of children is sent running across a minefield. Those who make it unbloodied receive two kilos of rice to help feed their families.
I’ve only scratched the surface, here, George. I’m sure Rummy’s Public Affairs people could come up with enough variations to fill a season.
I’m telling you, George, transfer Iraq to the Entertainment Division and it all becomes make-believe. That’s when your numbers will soar.
And with the right numbers, DOD can think sponsorship. This baby’s heading for the top of the charts. I see a thirty-second spot going for $100,000 to $300,000 without breaking a sweat. And bingo! You’ve got another revenue stream to pay for the reconstruction.
I can hardly wait to see Rummy receiving his Emmy.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
8:17:13 AM 
|
