Dear George,
Yes, you are a unifier, not a divider. This is your greatness. The divisiveness that rends the country is not of your making. Rather it is a product of those who fail to see the wisdom of your policies. It is they who would Balkanize our country.
Well, George, I say the hell with that noise! It is time we who are of the faith stand up and say, “No more, mothers!” Because you have made America safer, we must pull together as a people to protect it against a rising tide of evil.
Unity takes on a special urgency as Al Qaeda increases its domestic recruitment. Yes, you heard me right. Bin Laden is signing up our own American citizens. Who is he recruiting? Mallrats who are bored stiff, the elderly who are hacked off over prescription drug costs, former factory workers gainfully employed by Wal-Mart. (Doesn’t it make your blood boil, the idea of saintly, grey-haired grandmothers strapping explosives to their torsos and heading for the nearest Duane Reade?)
Malls, Wal-Mart, Duane Reade—our entire consumer edifice, the bed-rock of our democracy, is threatened.
Thank God, George; there is something we can do about this. We can launch the Let Freedom Ring Initiative. We’re going to tear a page right out of the corporate handbook. Corporations love to reinvent themselves. It passes the time. One of the most efficient ways of doing this is to fire everybody and have them reapply for their jobs.
There you have it. Yank everybody’s citizenship and make them reapply. Some might object that processing 290 millions applications for citizenship before the election will be impossible. Well, Goddamn it George, national security trumps democracy!
The process could be expedited by some selective prescreening. For example, pull the subscription lists for The Nation, The Progressive, Mother Jones, Baffler and The New York Review of Books. Their readers are always carping about something. Lose ‘em. If they want to bitch, they can forget about voting. The same is true with members of the ACLU, Amnesty International, Oxfam and Doctors without Borders. Dividers, every one of them. And since we know that God speaks through you, it follows that any who disagree are spawns of the devil. We don’t need Satan’s minions walking around with citizenship papers in their back pockets.
This should reduce the number of applications. For the remainder, I think a trickle-down approach would be best. Start with your inner circle, work outward towards CEOs and senior management, and then slowly work your way down the pyramid. If the election has to be cancelled until 2049, all the better. When it comes, the votes will be cast by a unified and free people. Civility will finally return to the political process.
It’s a radical idea, but these are radical times. A nation under threat requires a strong leader who’s not afraid to quash dissent. You, sir, are just that leader. God bless you.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
9:45:09 AM 
|
|
