Dear George,
Happy news!
There was a gang-rape of a five-year-old girl recently. They topped her off with the barrel of a gun. To their credit, they didn’t pull the trigger.
Why do I say happy news? Go to the nearest window in your office and throw it open. Cup your hand to your ear. What do you hear? Traffic noise? Some birds singing? What you don’t hear are howls of moral indignation. That’s because the aforementioned rape took place in the Congo where ten years of civil war has killed an estimated two million people.
You see, George, moral indignation stops at the blonde hair and the blue eyes.
I bring this up because given your doctrine of pre-emptive war you’ve got to know who you can slaughter and who you can’t. Some people may bitch when you blow bunch of children to shreds, but they aren’t going to throw you out of office if the tots are of the proper hue.
In order to give you some guidelines for the formulation of your foreign policy, I am sharing the following table developed by the Department of Social Responsibility at Okemos State Community College:
Table of Interactive Interrelationships
Between a Descending Scale of Mortality
And an Ascending Scale of Media Interest
2,000,000 killed in the Congo, receives less coverage then
200,000 peasants killed in a Chinese earthquake, which receive less coverage then
20,000 Turks killed in a flood, which receive less coverage then
2,000 Hondurans killed in a mudslide, which receive less coverage then
200 Russians killed in a train wreck, which receive less coverage then
20 Londoners killed in a building collapse, which receive less coverage then
2 farm families killed in a Kansas tornado, which receive less coverage then
1 medical student mugged and murdered in New York City’s Central Park.
Overnight this table to Powell and Rummy so it can be incorporated into their plans for the next pre-emptive strike.
There is one caveat for the successful use of this table: DON’T TAKE ANY FREAKING SOUVENIR PHOTOGRAPHS!! I don’t know what those idiots at Abu Ghraib were thinking of! But it is imperative that everything be kept absolutely sanitized. Death and violence are palatable if they are kept neat and abstract. If people want blood and gore they can catch a slasher flick. It reinforces their belief that all violence is make-believe.
Happy hunting.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
7:19:16 AM 
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