Dear George,
Please pass this letter on to Ashcroft and Ridge when you finish it. Do not let it fall into alien hands. This is a memorize and shred document.
We have a problem George—a yawning gap in the security net we’ve draped over Fortress Freedom. Ask Ashcroft if he, or the FBI, or the CIA has a clue as to what is on the average three-year-old’s reading list? When was the last time they browsed the children’s section in Barnes & Noble or Borders? Have they even bothered to confiscate a Mother Goose or a Grimm Brothers?
I’ll bet they haven’t. For if they had, this is what they would have found: bestiality (Little Red Riding Hood), incest (Jack and Jill—for God’s sake, George, read between the lines. How can a brother and sister fall down a hill if they’re fetching water? Not likely unless they’re having a little roll in the hay.), group sex (Snow White—who took the grump out of Grumpy?), masturbatory fantasies (Little Jack Horner—plumb, my ass!)
I smell Sadam all over this. Here, we have his weapon of mass destruction—the destruction of little minds. The bastard!
The good thing is that beneath every festering carbuncle there is healthy skin struggling to the surface. We’ve an opportunity here, George. I know that you have wanted to expand the scope of the Patriot Act not only to guard us against terrorism, but to protect our traditional values.
Get Congress to expand the Act before the elections (as if they mattered). We need two components here. First, all children librarians will be required to submit monthly lists of material checked out by the under-five set. We must know what our toddlers are absorbing.
Second, only corporately-created children’s literature will allowed. There is no way a child’s development can be curdled by upbeat little tales featuring Snap, Crackle and Pop, or Tony the Tiger. This would mean purging the shelves of Barnes & Noble and Borders. But tough times call for tough measures. Besides, nothing fans the flames of patriotism more than a good book burning. If Congress were to overcompensate them for the loss, they’ll be happy to cooperate
.
Remember, a branded child is a protected child. The parents of America must think Golden Arches instead of Goldilocks if our country is to remain strong.
Press on!
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
7:30:02 AM 
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