Dear George,
It's time we got the freaking tree-huggers off our backs. They're nothing but latte-sucking Luddites slowing the unbridled growth that is the bed-rock of our greatness, a greatness grounded in the Calvinist vision of nature as one big animal potty. I mean, who can wax eloquent over a place where bears shit? Our alienation from nature is God's will. His commandment in Genesis is quite clear: trash it!
Everything about nature ends up in the loss column.
Wild land is unproductive land. A nature trail produces no revenue, a theme park does. Level and pave Yellowstone National Park and what do you have: democracy in action, open access to public lands and a fortune to be made in parking fees.
Mountains are downright dangerous. People are constantly falling off of them, they are the leading cause of avalanches, and they create deserts by blocking the free and open movement of moisture. The mining companies do us a service everytime they level one.
What about endangered species? Hell, George, if you can't eat 'em, lose 'em. Those we can eat, domesticate.
Nature cries out for sanitization. It fecundity is offensive. Its wild unpredictability cries out for the cleansing hand of rational order. Asphalt is the great rationalizer.
I sleep better at night knowing that your environmental policy is grounded in two words--nature sucks!
Fight the good fight, George.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
7:52:54 AM 
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