Dear George,
I hate to say this, but your military record is becoming a bit problematic. It's a pity Kerry had so many metals thrown at him, but that's water under the bridge. The best strategy, at this point, is to enhance your record insstead of attacking his.
Fortunately, we have a golden opportunity in the tragic and unintended destruction of your military records.
Here's the spin. Your records weren't destroyed accidently; they were destroyed for reasons of national security. The year you were supposed to be AWOL, you weren't. You'd been detached to the CIA and were under deep cover.
That was the year you led the daring raid on Hanoi that struck a fatal blow to their sewer system, thus spreading pestilence throughout the city. That act should have brought the Commies to their knees. Unfortunately they were such barbarians they thought nothing of wading through shit up to their chests.
Your commanding officer wanted to recommend you for the Congressional Medal of Honor. But like all true heroes you forbade it. You knew that if they decorated you, the Commies would know we had broken their code. So for all these years you have kept you gallentry veiled in a shroud of modesty.
But now, George, your records can be declassified. The truth can see the light of day. Have Congress approve your medal, and at the conclusion of your acceptance speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln (where the convention will be held for security reasons) Laura can pin it on your flight suit.
Let's see the Kerry camp top that.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
7:32:33 AM 
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